What We Have Here Is A Failure To Trust...

I have a confession to make. I don’t trust men. I just don’t. I don’t trust them to take care of me. I don’t trust them to care about me. I don’t trust them to lead. I don’t trust them to keep their word. And I especially don’t trust them to stick around. If you are a man, then you already have that fact going against you. It’s not that I don’t trust every man. In fact, there are a lot of good men in my life, especially in my family and at church. But overall, men have only ever seemed to bring me pain---including the good men in my life---and I’ve gotten to the point where I expect pain from them…so how could I possibly trust them? And why should I when none of them have even attempted to prove me wrong?

It’s funny how a few bad childhood experiences can embed themselves so deeply into your heart and mind that they end up controlling your thoughts and actions without you even realizing it. When I was a child, my dad left. No, he didn’t skip town or run off with another woman. But he did move out. And he and my mom split up. They just gave up, really. And even though I later moved in with my dad and had him there supporting me---being a WONDERFUL father---that still doesn’t change the fact that he left our family. And my parent’s act of divorce, it left me with a sense of worthlessness. All I knew was that I alone---and my well-being---was not a good enough reason for them to stay together. So with that experience, I began to accept my dad’s sudden absence and seeming rejection as a truth for all men: A man’s word or commitment guarantees nothing. No matter what he says, he will eventually lose interest in you and he will eventually leave. If he dates you, he’s just going to break up with you. And if you’re lucky enough to find a man who wants to marry you, he’ll still leave you some day. You of course won’t know when. It could even be 18 years down the road like it was with my parents, but he’ll leave nonetheless. A man will never value or love me enough to stay.

What a horrible and hopeless lie to believe. It’s been engrained in me for half my life and I’ve barely even noticed it’s there. It’s driven my thoughts and actions to the point where I let fear drive my relationships, not love. And the greatest tragedy in all of this is the detriment it’s caused to my relationship with God. When we’re children, we think concretely. Our belief of God is essentially determined by the authoritative people in our lives, particularly our parents. I think if we were all to compare our relationship with God to our relationship with our parents, we’d probably find remarkably familiar similarities. So what lies about God do I tend to believe? That He’ll leave me. That I can’t trust Him to always be there. That I can’t approach him out of anger or sadness. That my needs are a burden and annoyance to Him. That I am of little value to Him.

But in all this, there is hope. “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a [wo]man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” (1 Corinthians 13:11-12). I am no longer a child. I no longer have to think concretely. And the best part of all is that who the people that have hurt me are and what they have done is NOT who God is and is NOT what God has done nor will do. God is exactly who says He is and will always do exactly what He says He’s going to do. He never changes. “Be strong and courageous,” he says. “Do not be afraid or terrified because of them” he says. For the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6).

No matter how many men in my life forsake me and abandon me, my God will not. And no matter how little those men value me, the worth they ascribe to me does not determine my value. Though they barely know me and consider me worth mere nickels and dimes, my God knows me fully and has bought and paid for me with His very life. Though they do not pursue me, my God came down to earth to pursue me. He lived and suffered a human life. He was mocked, rejected, beaten, and crucified for my sake. And He did this all willingly because He loves me, wants to redeem me, declare me holy and righteous. “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Mark 10:45).

So maybe men can’t be trusted. But of I’m honest, neither can I. Because I’m a sinner. Just as they disappoint and hurt others, so will I. But out of all this, I do know one thing for certain: my God CAN be trusted. And the more I know Him and love Him, the more I will become like Him. And the more I become like Him, the more trustworthy I will become and the more forgiving I will become of those who aren’t. So as for now, I choose to trust what God says over what man says and does. And instead of growing bitter and untrusting of men, I will instead choose to forgive and trust even when they don’t deserve it. I will choose to respect them, even when they don't love or respect me. I will let them lead, because it is what God has designed them to do. And I will pray that God will let me see them through His eyes, and love them as He has loved me.

It’s funny that I should even be writing any of this, a mere day after essentially being dumped. I have cried, and I should still be crying, but I have in turn been filled with a joy and peace that can only come from God. He knows me fully and loves me deeply, both because of who I am and in spite of who I am. But I, I only know Him in part, and I only see Him in part…and I am already overwhelmed by His goodness and mercy. I simply can not wait until the day that I will get to see Him face to face and truly know Him in all His glory. His love is far greater than any love I have known or ever will know, and with that I am fully content.