So what is Matt really saying to the LGBTQ community in this article? Particularly to those who are Christians and therefore our brothers and sisters in Christ? You're gay because you're not trying hard enough. Pray the gay away, go to "conversion" therapy, go stay at an ex-gay organization like Exodus International. Do everything that you possibly can to stop being gay, and then when you have tried hard enough you'll stop being gay.
As a straight person, that sounds easy enough to me. And of course it does, because I'm STRAIGHT and couldn't possibly understand what it's actually like to be gay. And the same goes for the millions of other straight people who have given away this seemingly simple advice to the gay community for literally their entire lives. And yet, why do we automatically assume that the gay Christians in our lives haven't already tried these methods from the very moment they realized they were different? Do you really think that a gay person just wakes up one day and decides that they'd rather be gay than straight? That they'd much rather be ostracized by society, their churches, and sometimes even their family? They live in this world too. They know what it means to be gay. All they have to do is look around them, watch T.V., listen to what is said about homosexuality in their churches, neighborhoods, schools, and at the dinner table with their family, and they can see that it's a long and difficult road ahead. Many of them spend their entire adolescent years doing exactly what you suggest: Praying night after night for God to make them straight, begging Him to take this burden that has been placed upon them, for him to not just keep them from temptation, but to take their very sexuality away from them. To, please God, make them straight. They pray in faith, they pray earnestly, and yet...God does not take their burden from them. He does not make them straight.
And when they come to terms with that, what are they to do? They may just learn to hide it, to pretend to be straight. They try dating the opposite sex, and continue doing so in the hopes that maybe there is someone of the opposite sex out there that they'll be attracted to...maybe they just haven't met them yet. Perhaps they go an alternate route and reach out for help to their Christian parents, friends, or pastor...what happens then? They're told, yet again, to try harder. There will hopefully be some that will love and accept them, but more often than not they're rejected and ostracized...some parents even kick them out of the house, as can be attested to by 40% of our country's homeless youth. They're sometimes taken to conversion therapy, which in the end damages them further and also just plain doesn't work. They go to a place like Exodus International for weeks, even months...their last option, their last hope. And when they leave...they're still gay. They still have that same attraction. They've done everything that the church has told them to do, they fight and they pray, and then they fight and pray some more and nothing ever changes. No matter what they do, they are still gay. They have exhausted their options, and yet we keep telling them to try harder.
This isn't just one narrative of one gay person, this is the narrative of many. I know because I have read and listened to their stories. It happens so often that it is essentially a formula. Talk to any gay person who grew up in a Christian home and in church and it will likely be a similar story, if not the same story. And in every single one of their lives they will be forced to choose one of two alternatives if they want to remain in a Christian community: To be celibate for the entirety of their lives or to pretend to be straight for the entirety of their lives, and eventually marry someone of the opposite sex, to whom they are not attracted. The church would never force any other member to make this decision, and yet for the gay person they require it. And so many will leave the church altogether. If they're lucky they will find a church that does allow them in and accepts them as they are, or perhaps the only church that allows them in is made up solely of other gays and lesbians, or perhaps they've been so hurt by the church that they don't want to have anything to do with it anymore. Different people make different decisions and experience different experiences when it comes to this, but their home church has been clear: do what we say and be who we want you to be, or you are not welcome here. You're not one of us. If you really were a Christian, you wouldn't be gay anymore. You didn't try hard enough. You didn't sacrifice enough. But honestly, what's left for them to sacrifice? How could they possibly try any harder?
This is their story and I haven't even touched on their internal struggle. The depression, the anxiety, the suicidal thoughts, attempts....and successes. Because in the end they can either choose to accept that they're gay and love themselves, or they can choose to hate that they're gay and hate themselves because of it. And that is the same choice we have as well. Do we accept that they're gay and love them, or do we hate that they're gay and hate them because of it? As Christians, to love and accept them is the ONLY choice we can make if we truly are concerned with their well-being, no matter how much other Christians mock you and label you as progressive, liberal, white-washed, or not Christian at all. If you are LGBTQ, I want you to LIVE and BE LOVED. I don't want you to walk into a church and feel no hope for the future, to feel like you are completely alone and will be forever. I don't want you to believe that the only way God or anyone else can love you is if you change. I don't want you to feel like there is no way that God could possibly use you for His good simply because you're gay, as if that is the dividing line between people God can love and use and those He can not. I don't want you to feel like your gifts and talents have no place in the church, and that you're literally the only person that the church will not utilize to carry out the love of Christ and his good deeds in this world. Because absolutely none of this is true. You are loved by God and your sexuality is not a deciding factor for Him in whether or not He will continue to love you. It is through His sacrifice on the cross that He is able to also wholly and completely accept you, as a sinner, with all of your past, present, and future sins, just as He accepts me, a sinner, with all of my past, present, and future sins. You are loved and you don't deserve to be treated the way that the church has treated you. They were wrong. They have sinned against you, and they have done so for generations. We have sinned against you. Please forgive us and help us do better. Share your stories. Let us know what it is really like to be gay, even more so let us know what it is like to be a gay Christian. We can never know unless you tell us.
As a straight Christian person, I don't have this all figured out. I have thought in far more black-and-white terms than even Matt Walsh does when it comes to homosexuality. In fact, if I pulled out my senior paper on homosexuality that I wrote at my Christian high school many years ago, I would probably be horrified at the condemnation, judgement, and arrogance that is between its pages. Even now, I am embarrassed of some of the things I've said in this blog post that I wrote a few years ago, but I feel it's important to leave it up as a testament to the fact that sometimes people change, and when you earnestly seek God and His truth, sometimes your only option is to change your mind and heart, no matter how many other Christians may disown you for it.
By now, at the end of this post, you other straight Christians probably only have one question for me---it's probably the only question that matters to you at all for you to take anything I'm saying seriously---do you believe homosexuality is a sin? To be completely honest, my answer is "I just don't know anymore." I believe that the Bible is true, but I also know that many verses in the Bible have been either misinterpreted or misused to abuse or oppress specific people groups. Slavery anyone? Women anyone? The poor and uneducated, anyone? (P.S. This is what "Taking the Lord's name in vain" means. That's one of the 10 Commandments in case you had forgotten.) I also know that homosexuality is mentioned a surprisingly miniscule number of times in the Bible. In fact, miniscule is too big of a word---it's only mentioned 6 times. Now, I'm of course not saying that the number of times a sin is mentioned in the Bible determines whether or not it really is a sin, but I'm instead asking the question "Why didn't you mention this more often, God??? There were clearly gay people in the Old Testament, and there were in the New Testament, so couldn't you give us all a little bit more to go off of here?" And I am not just frustrated at the complete lack of references to the subject, but also to the context and origins of the few passages in the Bible that do have the word "homosexuality." For example, was the sin in Sodom & Gomorrah specifically that the men were homosexual, or was it that they were going to gang rape the angel man? Or was it both? And why is the Greek word that Paul uses in the New Testament, arsenokoitai, so mysterious that nobody has ever even heard of this word outside of the New Testament? In fact, not only do I, a non-Greek speaker, not understand what this word means with the use of commentaries, but Greek scholars don't even know what it means, because Paul coined his own word. Some believe it refers strictly to homosexuals, while others believe it refers to pedophiles, the men who hired the young male prostitutes at the temple. And by young male, I do indeed mean children, which was not uncommon at the time. In the end, it's all speculation. It is a word sexual in nature, that's for sure, but as to which aspect of sexuality it is referring we have no clear idea.
So as it turns out, I have a lot of questions, and the more I seek God and study the texts, the more muddy and confused my mind and heart becomes. God doesn't always make things black-and-white for us because all things aren't always as black-and-white as they seem, that's why He gives us the Holy Spirit to rely on. That's why when God brings LGBTQ people into my life, the Holy Spirit teaches me to love them and serve them, to show compassion and kindness, and to listen to them and respect them like I would any other human being. And that's why when He brings a transgender person into my life, I'm going to call them "Kate" instead of "Bruce," just like I would call a "Matt" by his full name, "Matthew," just because that's what he prefers, even though I myself really, really want to call him "Matt."
This might surprise you, but the hardest part of my journey thus far hasn't been figuring out what the Bible does or does not say concerning homosexuality, or how it should be interpreted, but mostly it has been the constant feeling like I have to choose between loving God and loving my gay friends and family. As it turns out, that's a choice that the church forces on me, but it most certainly is not one that God has ever placed on me. If it were impossible for me to love both God and the gay people in my life, then Jesus would have never given us the seemingly even more impossible command to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. If loving our enemies is what flows out of our loving God, then we can most certainly love our gay friends and family that we already do love so much, and love them at the same time that we love and follow Christ. The only choice God asks us to make is to love. Do not be fooled into thinking anything else.
And so I say to my fellow straight Christians, it is time that we stop seeing homosexuality as an agenda, as an assault on our marriages and families, as a political battle to win or a problem to fix and start seeing LGBTQ people with a name and a face and a story, who are part of our past, present, and future and who are welcome in our lives and in our churches. It is time we stopped listening to all of the long list of demands the straight Christian preacher and church body puts on the LGBTQ person and start listening to the LGBTQ person and how those demands are affecting them. If after listening to our sermons and encountering other Christians, an LGBTQ person grows to hate themselves, becomes anxious, depressed, or suicidal, feels ostracized, excluded or rejected, and does not feel loved or accepted by God, or closer to Him in any way, then they are not the problem. We are. It's not that they aren't trying hard enough, it's that we aren't trying hard enough. In fact, we aren't trying at all. The only reason you are probably still reading this is because a straight person is writing it. If this were the post of a gay Christian, would you have even gotten this far? Would you have gotten past the first paragraph? Would you have even clicked on it without assuming that it is part of the liberal agenda? These things that many gay people experience as a result of listening to us or encountering us are not good fruit and they do not come from God. When you follow the Greatest Commandment, when you love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and then love your neighbor as yourself, it brings about good fruit. Fruit like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. It brings about unity, not division. One look at the relationship between the gay community and the Christian community today and it is easy to see that we, the church, are not doing God's will or His work. We are being the worst ambassadors of Christ that could possibly exist.This has to change.
All I ask of you is that you stop making assumptions and take the time to truly listen to the stories of people in the LGBTQ community. Take the time to get to know them. Talk to them, ask them questions, read their blogs and their books, do whatever you can to understand what it is actually like to be an LGBTQ person and what it is like for them to be in the church or encounter Christians. It is through our empathy and kindness that God will use us greatest, not through our raised voices, passed laws, and Matt Walsh shares on Facebook. And please, please, please let LGBT Christians serve in your churches. They have just as much to offer as any of us do. God can use them as much as he uses us straight folk. Don't for a second assume that they are not a valuable part of our community, because they are more valuable than you will ever know or understand and the joy and work you will miss out on as a result of not utilizing them will be a true shame.
Some follow-up questions/thoughts you might have:
1. Q: Is it really too much to ask gay Christians to be celibate? After all, they aren't the only ones who have to fight against their sexual urges. Straight people do that on a daily basis, fighting fornication, pornography, adultery, etc.
A: You're right. We do all constantly have to fight against sexual sins, even us married folk. The difference, though, is that while straight single Christians are encouraged to stay pure until they're married, gay people are forced to stay pure forever. For me, I stayed chaste for 27 years, but only the years after puberty really count, so it was more like 15 years in the end. I abstained for a while, and now I get to have sex for many years to come. I still fight sexual sin, and so does my husband, but we also still get to have sex, and even more importantly I get to share my life with him and have our marriage recognized by everyone. The gay Christian has to stay chaste for their entire life, and they never have the benefit of sharing their life with someone they love like a straight person would with their spouse (Unless of course they marry someone of the opposite sex and hope for the best!). There are still gay Christians who choose to be celibate, but the important part is that they do indeed choose that life for themselves instead of have the church thrust that decision on them. It is also important to remember that yes, celibacy is encouraged in the Bible, but the church does not encourage it anymore and does a poor job of incorporating singles in the church family. If you are going to force celibacy onto someone, the very least you could do is make them feel like part of the church family.
2. Q: But what about all the gay people who have gotten married and are straight now?
A: I don't know statistics on this one, but from what I've read that number is quite slim. I think some interesting questions to ask them would be, Are you still attracted to the same-sex? or Do you identify as bi-sexual, and not strictly as gay? Also, Do you feel like you are living a lie? Would you have made this choice had the church not required it of you? How has this decision affected your relationship with God? These are questions writers of these articles tend not to ask, and even if they did, I think the interviewee would be disinclined to answer that they're still attracted to the same sex (if they are in fact still attracted to the same sex) when their spouse and children are present, or if they will eventually find out their answer, along with the rest of the world and particularly their church family. I think I should also mention that there are instances where a gay person never tells their spouse they are gay until much later in life, thus breaking up the marriage and family.
3. Q: How do you know conversion therapy doesn't work?
A: Because of the plethora of scientific articles like this one. Some of the methods used are not only appalling, but inhumane and ineffective to boot.
4. Q: How do you know these ex-gay organizations like Exodus International don't work?
A: Because the founders of Exodus International shut themselves down, apologized for their organization, and are now ex ex-gay. In this article, they are quoted as saying "It is strange to be someone who has both been hurt by the Church's treatment of the LGBTQ community, and also to be someone who must apologize for being part of the very system of ignorance that perpetuated that hurt. Today it is as if I've just woken up to a greater sense of how painful it is to be a sinner in the hands of an angry church."
5. Q: But what about the gay agenda?
A: Well, that depends on who you ask. If you ask most Conservative Christians, the gay agenda is to destroy family values and take away our religious rights. If you ask gays themselves, the gay agenda is to be able to get married and have the same equal rights as everyone else. To not be discriminated against because of their sexuality. If you ask gay Christians particularly they too want to protect religious rights, but they also want to have equal rights. Heck, there are even plenty of LGBTQ people who aren't religious at all that want to protect religious rights.
6. Q: But isn't homosexuality all about sex?
A: No, it is definitely not. Just like straight people, there are plenty of homosexuals who live promiscuous lives and have had many sexual partners. There are also those who seek monogamous, long-term relationships. Then there are some who previously were promiscuous, but are now in a monogamous, committed relationship and vice versa. Sounds just like straight people, huh? If all homosexuals wanted was sex, then gay marriage never would have been an issue, because we all know you can have sex without ever getting married. But clearly many of them do want a companion to be in a committed relationship with for the rest of their life, who they can be on the same insurance policy with, pay joint-taxes with, be allowed to be in the hospital room with in an emergency, and have/adopt kids with. In a nutshell, that is much of what the gay rights movement has been about. That, and also equal employment opportunities and not being discriminated against, beat up, or murdered in general.
7. Q: Are Homosexuals born gay or do they choose to be gay?
A: I don't know, and neither does science. Scientists have been searching for a "gay gene" for years and have yet to find one. If science proves that people are born gay, I think it would change everything and the church would change its stance in a heartbeat, like it has with many things throughout history. Only time will tell, but neither one is a claim that anyone can make for certain.
8. Q: Does sexual abuse lead to homosexuality?
A: Sometimes it might, sometimes it might not. Some gay people have been sexually abused, some have not. Some come from broken homes, some come from healthy-intact homes. Some have distant fathers, some have good relationships with their father. Some have overbearing mothers, some have good relationships with their mothers. Research has not yet been able to identify a specific instance, environment, or parental situation that would actually cause a person to be gay.
9. Q: Shouldn't gay Christians pursue holiness like the rest of us, and wouldn't that require celibacy?
A: Yes, gay Christians should pursue holiness and be held accountable. That means the same thing that it means for the rest of us, like abstaining from sexual promiscuity, lust, drunkenness, gossip, etc. and pursuing selflessness, love, compassion, and justice. You will find that among gay Christians themselves there are two schools of people: those who believe homosexuality is a sin and choose to be celibate and those who do not believe homosexuality is a sin and pursue a monogomous relationship a.k.a. marriage. I don't get the impression that either "school" makes their decision lightly, and each seeks counsel, researches the Bible, and spends many months or even years of their life asking God what to do. Whatever their decision, I think it's safe to say that it's between them and God and we likely don't have any more insight to offer that they haven't already heard a million times or already researched themselves. If they ask your advice, then by all means offer it, but let them ask before you preach.
Some resources for you:
God and the Gay Christian by Matthew Vines
Torn by Justin Lee
The Gay Christian Network
What Does the Bible Really Teach About Homosexuality? by Kevin DeYoung
9. Q: Shouldn't gay Christians pursue holiness like the rest of us, and wouldn't that require celibacy?
A: Yes, gay Christians should pursue holiness and be held accountable. That means the same thing that it means for the rest of us, like abstaining from sexual promiscuity, lust, drunkenness, gossip, etc. and pursuing selflessness, love, compassion, and justice. You will find that among gay Christians themselves there are two schools of people: those who believe homosexuality is a sin and choose to be celibate and those who do not believe homosexuality is a sin and pursue a monogomous relationship a.k.a. marriage. I don't get the impression that either "school" makes their decision lightly, and each seeks counsel, researches the Bible, and spends many months or even years of their life asking God what to do. Whatever their decision, I think it's safe to say that it's between them and God and we likely don't have any more insight to offer that they haven't already heard a million times or already researched themselves. If they ask your advice, then by all means offer it, but let them ask before you preach.
Some resources for you:
God and the Gay Christian by Matthew Vines
Torn by Justin Lee
The Gay Christian Network
What Does the Bible Really Teach About Homosexuality? by Kevin DeYoung
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