Sometimes Change Is the Very Thing We Need...

Have you ever given someone advice only to realize later on that you're the one who needs to be taking that very advice? Yeah, me neither.......ha, in my dreams. It was only a few weeks ago that this very event took place in my own life, and already God has begun to turn my world upside down. In my attempt to give good marital advice (because I'm so clearly an expert when it comes to mariage), I told a loved one that he and his wife seemed to be at a point in their relationship where they could either open their hearts up to God, let him change them, and grow together, or stay the same and grow apart. It wasn't long before I realized that that was the very point I was at in my own relationship with God.

Over the last year and a half, it seems that change has consistently come racing toward me at the speed of light, and there's really been nothing I can do other than to just go with it. Graduation. Working full-time. Grad school. Breaking up. Marrying off friends and family. Loved ones moving away. The ups and downs of all changing relationships. The last couple years have been a roller coaster. At the time, it felt like God was just stripping me of everything and everyone I cared about a little at a time till I was virtually left with nothing, and I was angry at Him for doing so. I felt insignificant, unloved, forgotten, and alone, and when I cried out to God I heard nothing in return. Believe me, there is no greater depth of despair than the assumed absence of the Heavenly Father. There were nights when I laid in bed awake, attempting to pray, and nearly had an anxiety attack worrying about my salvation, convinced that He no longer loved me, and that the moment I came before Him on the day of judgement he would say "I never knew you" and cast me away from His presence. Truly, I thought that. Despite the fact that I KNEW in my head and heart that Christ's blood has atoned for my sins, I still believed this because I did not FEEL it, because His absence was overwhelming.

And yet so much of the heartache from the past couple years could have been avoided had I just turned to God. Yes, I went throught the motions. A few prayers here and there, church every Sunday, college group on Tuesdays, even another small group on Wednesdays. Yet despite all of that, my relationship with God was clearly lacking. I was rarely in the Word on my own, and furthermore, despite the fact that I was almost constantly surrounded by wonderful, passionate Christians, I rarely felt encouraged. And how could they encourage me if I wouldn't let anyone in? My heart had become a black hole. An impenetrable force field. God could change every circumstance in my life. He could take away everything I held dear, but He was NOT getting my heart. I had been so hurt by those closest to me that I had just emotionally shut down, and not only thought that I couldn't trust anyone with my heart, but believed it. Yes, I believed that I could not trust even God with my heart.

And THAT, my friends, was my greatest mistake. How many times does God have to prove Himself to me for me to understand His love for me? How many times has he already proven Himself? I was in a valley, and I wanted God to simply pick me right up out of it and let me go on my merry way, unchanged as if nothing had every happened. Yet God, in His infinite love, could not allow for me to exit that valley without coming up on the other side as a new and restored person, and I am ever so thankful for that, for He has already brought more healing to my heart than any earthly remedy could have ever provided.

Sometimes what we want to happen isn't what we need. And with that in mind, I say, thank God that He does not fill my mind with what I want to hear, but rather with the truth. Thank God that He does not enable my disobedience, but rather stands back and lets me fall, so that I might come to Him yet again with repentance, with the willingness to allow Him to change me into who He wants me to be. Thank God that everything He says and does is said and done in love, for my benefit. And thank God that He cherishes me so much that everything He has ever done, is doing, and will do is meant to make me whole and united to Him. Yes, what a wonderful God it is that we serve. Can I get an Amen?

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" ~Psalm 34: 18

"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." ~Psalm 30: 11-12

"And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" ~Anais Nin