If there's anything I've learned these past few months, through all the trials and heartache I've both experienced and witnessed, it's simply that you can't make someone love you. All of your efforts, whether they are of purest intentions or laced with manipulation, can not sway an unchangeable heart. You can try to cling with all your might to the one you love, only to find them pulling even further away, or you can back off hoping they will freely make a choice only to find that your absence has only led them to a choice without you in it. I always believed that of all things, commitment would guarantee love. Yet it turns out that even commitment is often nothing more than an empty promise. It is still unfathomable to me how one can stand before God, family, friends, and the beloved one they are about to marry, speaking the words "for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, til death do us part" only to turn and run when things start to difficult, when they find that they must not only put away selfishness but also allow their heart to be forever and continually changed.
So many times I find myself saying "you fool." How could you treat someone who so selflessly loves you, who relentlessly pursues you, encourages you, and cares so genuinely for not just your heart, mind, or body, but even your very soul...how could you treat them with such disrespect, dishonor, contempt? It is so easy for me to judge, yet when I look at my own heart I am no longer blinded as to how someone could behave in such a way when I, as the bridegroom of Christ, so often treat the One who sacrificed Himself for me with that very same contempt. How many times has He pursued me, and how many times have I built a wall around my heart to keep Him out? How many times has He spoken to me, and how many times have I turned a deaf ear? How many times do I myself love him only on the conditions of "for better, for richer, and in health," turning to run at the first sign of hardship. He works only for my benefit, He died to set me free, and yet I so often choose to stay enslaved to the very sins that destroy me. No, I am no different than she. I am just as guilty, and just as in need of forgiveness. We all are.
I mourn at the sinful state of the world. He is the only one in the world who purely, unconditionally, passionately, relentlessly, and unselfishly loves us...the ONLY ONE, and yet we constantly pursue everything but Him. We look for such a love in another human being---in a lover, a father, a friend---only to be disappointed, because a flawed individual cannot offer such a flawless love. What a tragedy our hearts are. How He must weep at our sinful state. How heartbroken our God must be to have given so much out of love and received so little in return. Yet praise God that He is merciful, that no matter how many times we turn our backs on Him, His forgiveness is ever present to us if we merely ask it. What a fallen, selfish people we are, yet what a good, merciful God we serve. Praise God that our salvation rests not upon who we are or what we do, but solely upon who Jesus is and what He has done for us. If it were any other way, we would be hopeless.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Sometimes Change Is the Very Thing We Need...
Have you ever given someone advice only to realize later on that you're the one who needs to be taking that very advice? Yeah, me neither.......ha, in my dreams. It was only a few weeks ago that this very event took place in my own life, and already God has begun to turn my world upside down. In my attempt to give good marital advice (because I'm so clearly an expert when it comes to mariage), I told a loved one that he and his wife seemed to be at a point in their relationship where they could either open their hearts up to God, let him change them, and grow together, or stay the same and grow apart. It wasn't long before I realized that that was the very point I was at in my own relationship with God.
Over the last year and a half, it seems that change has consistently come racing toward me at the speed of light, and there's really been nothing I can do other than to just go with it. Graduation. Working full-time. Grad school. Breaking up. Marrying off friends and family. Loved ones moving away. The ups and downs of all changing relationships. The last couple years have been a roller coaster. At the time, it felt like God was just stripping me of everything and everyone I cared about a little at a time till I was virtually left with nothing, and I was angry at Him for doing so. I felt insignificant, unloved, forgotten, and alone, and when I cried out to God I heard nothing in return. Believe me, there is no greater depth of despair than the assumed absence of the Heavenly Father. There were nights when I laid in bed awake, attempting to pray, and nearly had an anxiety attack worrying about my salvation, convinced that He no longer loved me, and that the moment I came before Him on the day of judgement he would say "I never knew you" and cast me away from His presence. Truly, I thought that. Despite the fact that I KNEW in my head and heart that Christ's blood has atoned for my sins, I still believed this because I did not FEEL it, because His absence was overwhelming.
And yet so much of the heartache from the past couple years could have been avoided had I just turned to God. Yes, I went throught the motions. A few prayers here and there, church every Sunday, college group on Tuesdays, even another small group on Wednesdays. Yet despite all of that, my relationship with God was clearly lacking. I was rarely in the Word on my own, and furthermore, despite the fact that I was almost constantly surrounded by wonderful, passionate Christians, I rarely felt encouraged. And how could they encourage me if I wouldn't let anyone in? My heart had become a black hole. An impenetrable force field. God could change every circumstance in my life. He could take away everything I held dear, but He was NOT getting my heart. I had been so hurt by those closest to me that I had just emotionally shut down, and not only thought that I couldn't trust anyone with my heart, but believed it. Yes, I believed that I could not trust even God with my heart.
And THAT, my friends, was my greatest mistake. How many times does God have to prove Himself to me for me to understand His love for me? How many times has he already proven Himself? I was in a valley, and I wanted God to simply pick me right up out of it and let me go on my merry way, unchanged as if nothing had every happened. Yet God, in His infinite love, could not allow for me to exit that valley without coming up on the other side as a new and restored person, and I am ever so thankful for that, for He has already brought more healing to my heart than any earthly remedy could have ever provided.
Sometimes what we want to happen isn't what we need. And with that in mind, I say, thank God that He does not fill my mind with what I want to hear, but rather with the truth. Thank God that He does not enable my disobedience, but rather stands back and lets me fall, so that I might come to Him yet again with repentance, with the willingness to allow Him to change me into who He wants me to be. Thank God that everything He says and does is said and done in love, for my benefit. And thank God that He cherishes me so much that everything He has ever done, is doing, and will do is meant to make me whole and united to Him. Yes, what a wonderful God it is that we serve. Can I get an Amen?
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" ~Psalm 34: 18
"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." ~Psalm 30: 11-12
"And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" ~Anais Nin
Over the last year and a half, it seems that change has consistently come racing toward me at the speed of light, and there's really been nothing I can do other than to just go with it. Graduation. Working full-time. Grad school. Breaking up. Marrying off friends and family. Loved ones moving away. The ups and downs of all changing relationships. The last couple years have been a roller coaster. At the time, it felt like God was just stripping me of everything and everyone I cared about a little at a time till I was virtually left with nothing, and I was angry at Him for doing so. I felt insignificant, unloved, forgotten, and alone, and when I cried out to God I heard nothing in return. Believe me, there is no greater depth of despair than the assumed absence of the Heavenly Father. There were nights when I laid in bed awake, attempting to pray, and nearly had an anxiety attack worrying about my salvation, convinced that He no longer loved me, and that the moment I came before Him on the day of judgement he would say "I never knew you" and cast me away from His presence. Truly, I thought that. Despite the fact that I KNEW in my head and heart that Christ's blood has atoned for my sins, I still believed this because I did not FEEL it, because His absence was overwhelming.
And yet so much of the heartache from the past couple years could have been avoided had I just turned to God. Yes, I went throught the motions. A few prayers here and there, church every Sunday, college group on Tuesdays, even another small group on Wednesdays. Yet despite all of that, my relationship with God was clearly lacking. I was rarely in the Word on my own, and furthermore, despite the fact that I was almost constantly surrounded by wonderful, passionate Christians, I rarely felt encouraged. And how could they encourage me if I wouldn't let anyone in? My heart had become a black hole. An impenetrable force field. God could change every circumstance in my life. He could take away everything I held dear, but He was NOT getting my heart. I had been so hurt by those closest to me that I had just emotionally shut down, and not only thought that I couldn't trust anyone with my heart, but believed it. Yes, I believed that I could not trust even God with my heart.
And THAT, my friends, was my greatest mistake. How many times does God have to prove Himself to me for me to understand His love for me? How many times has he already proven Himself? I was in a valley, and I wanted God to simply pick me right up out of it and let me go on my merry way, unchanged as if nothing had every happened. Yet God, in His infinite love, could not allow for me to exit that valley without coming up on the other side as a new and restored person, and I am ever so thankful for that, for He has already brought more healing to my heart than any earthly remedy could have ever provided.
Sometimes what we want to happen isn't what we need. And with that in mind, I say, thank God that He does not fill my mind with what I want to hear, but rather with the truth. Thank God that He does not enable my disobedience, but rather stands back and lets me fall, so that I might come to Him yet again with repentance, with the willingness to allow Him to change me into who He wants me to be. Thank God that everything He says and does is said and done in love, for my benefit. And thank God that He cherishes me so much that everything He has ever done, is doing, and will do is meant to make me whole and united to Him. Yes, what a wonderful God it is that we serve. Can I get an Amen?
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" ~Psalm 34: 18
"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." ~Psalm 30: 11-12
"And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" ~Anais Nin
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Oh To Be A Blogger...
Yes, it's true. I'm finally starting a blog again. And if you don't want to read it, that's perfectly alright. This is more for me than it is for you. In the past, blogging helped get me through a really hard time in my life, and now that I'm facing many difficulties yet again, it only seems appropriate to repeat the very thing that allowed me to flourish so much during that hard time. It was a place where I could sort through my emotions, thoughts, and faith, and it was also a place where I could be completely vulnerable to others...which by the way, is a really scary thing for me. At the same time, I found that in expressing myself through a blog, I was also able to encourage others, whether it be through them knowing that they're not alone or by simply speaking the truth that God had laid on my heart. So here I am again...and I hope this spurs on other people to start a blog as well, as I can think of many friends and family members, especially those that live far away, who I'd love to keep up with this way. (Hint, Hint. You all know who you are :D) So there ya go...enjoy the ride, cuz it's probably gonna get a bit rocky.
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