My New Years' Resolutions...And How I'll Actually Keep Them

***Warning: This post contains EXTREME sarcasm.

Every year droves of people make a list of inspiring new years’ resolutions, and every year I join the crowd and jot down about one or two. And every year I fail miserably like every other person on the face of the planet…within the first week. So this year I’ve taken a different approach. I’ve made a list of resolutions that I know I’ll be able to accomplish beyond a shadow of a doubt, and here I am to share it with the world. Behold, world.

1. Gain 5 lbs.

I accomplish it every year, so there’s no need to think I won’t accomplish it again this year. Sure, I’ll lose weight too. But then I’ll just gain it all right back again within that horrendous two month span of October to December. If you need any advice on how to gain weight, feel free to ask. I can give you plenty of advice, because this is one thing I’m really, REALLY good at.

2. Bake my troubles away.

I’ve discovered baking to be quite therapeutic over the past year and I intend on using it for therapy this year, especially now that I have my very own Kitchen Aid mixer. The only problem with baking your troubles away, however, is that you end up eating your troubles after you bake them…which just leads to more trouble (see #1)

3. Not accomplish crafts I’ve pinned on Pinterest.

I can accomplish recipes, no problem, but those crafts…they’re just too time consuming. Would I like to do that awesome project where you melt crayons onto canvas? Absolutely! Am I going to? Hiiiiighly doubt it. And would I love to create my own inspirational art for my bare living room walls? You bet! But am I going to? Noooooope. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that this girl does NOT have time to become a master crafter, and when I do have time, I’d much rather spend it napping or vegging on the couch…or better yet, napping. So for this year, I’m going to let my definition of crafting refer more to coloring a page in a coloring book than spending two months on a single project that I’ll never actually finish. And as for those bare living room walls of mine…that’s what Etsy’s for. Let the people who actually ARE master crafters furnish my walls.

4. Hit the snooze button approximately 365 times.

Now there’s something I can accomplish. I do it every. Single. Morning. The only things I wake up on time for are flights, meetings, and dentist appointments. You know, the things that actually keep you from sleeping the night before because you’re afraid you’ll miss them and then wake you in a panic because you think you’ve missed them? Every other thing in the world…I wake up for you at 8. Which used to be 7:30. And before that was 7. And before that was 6:30. Have I mentioned I’m not a morning person?

5. Have my phone die at the most inopportune time, always.

Have an emergency and need to make a call? Don’t ask me for my phone, because it’s probably dead. Need to wake up in the morning but don’t have an alarm clock? Don’t depend on my phone, because it’ll probably die in the middle of the night without me noticing. On the road and had a change of plans? Don’t expect me to call you to tell you, because my phone is probably dead. On the bright side of things, it only took me a year to finally crack down and buy what I would deem the best purchases of my year: a car charger…and an actual alarm clock. But odds are, they won’t make a difference. My phone will still be dead.

6. Drink lots of pop. Or soda. Or Coke. Or whatever you wanna call it.

Everyone else is giving it up, but I shall strive to continue. I’m gonna drink it, and I’m gonna like it. And then I’m gonna regret it and spend every day feeling fat because of all the carbonation that will currently be giving my belly the illusion of pregnancy. And then I’m gonna regret the five pounds on top of the five pounds that will be gained because of it. And yes, in years to come, I will no doubt regret the cancer that will no doubt take up residence within my body. But boy will that Diet Coke be delicious when I drink it with that burger and fries.

7. Set a goal to run a 5k, then not run a 5k and quit running altogether. Gosh, this year is already looking good. I love setting goals I know I can accomplish. What can I say? I’m just so darn good at quitting. Remember that time I took up running then got utterly bored out of my mind once I made it up to 3 miles? Remember how that was every single year for the last five years? Let’s just face it: Running is seriously the most boring sport on the face of the planet and setting a goal beyond two miles is just begging me to quit. I mean, seriously, how about I find a sport that doesn’t require me to focus on the fact that my side hurts, my legs are throbbing, and I can’t breathe for every minute that I'm participating in that said sport? But no worries, I have a solution, and here’s what it is. How about I hire a masked stranger to chase me around the track at the Y with a knife in hand, screaming that they’re going to kill me the entire time, for a distance of up to five miles? Or better yet, maybe someone should hire ME to chase THEM with a knife in hand. Now THAT would get me to run, and you, for that matter. This way I’d actually run AND I’d make a little extra money on the side. Gosh I’m a genius. I guess running really CAN be fun after all. All you need is a little creativity.

8. Quit smoking. It’s especially easy when you’ve only taken two puffs of a cigarette in your entire life. Done….and done.

9. Not use a planner. Almost every year I buy a planner with the intent of being more organized, seeing as how I tend to be quite the scatterbrained moron, and almost every year I don’t use it and yet again fail at becoming more organized. This year, I’m gonna save myself the money and simply not buy one. I’m just gonna be my disorganized self and let it bite me in the butt when I miss my dentist appointment, forget to go to a party I said I’d go to, and send out my Christmas cards three weeks late. Disorganization is a way of life, and this year, I’m going to embrace it.

10. Facebook just as much as I did last year. Let’s be honest, disabling a Facebook is just a way of saying “I’ll be back in three weeks.” And complaining about Facebook is just a way of saying that you wish you had a life (as I so often demonstrate). This year, I’m just going to accept it as a way of life. Do I care that Billy Bob just had a Diet Coke but regrets it and wishes he got a Coke Zero? Do I actually want to see a picture of Susie’s dinner on a daily basis? Do I want to see the cliché song lyrics that have spoken to every newly single person in the depths of despair’s heart in a status update? Do I want to see every other girl's profile picture that's been edited to make them look like Cindy Crawford and then feel obligated to comment about how beautiful they are? No. No I do not. In fact, I would much rather gauge my eyes out. But alas, this year I’ll just accept the fact that I’m STILL going to read about it nonetheless. I’m still going to look at pictures of people I barely know. I’m still going to read the endless stream of passive aggressive status updates. And I’m still going to read about what a great time you just had in Vegas while I’m stuck reading about it here in Kansas. And why will I do all this? Not because I don't care (because if I didn't care at all, I wouldn't read it), but more so because I’m too lazy to call, that’s why. And because it’s a whole lot easier to keep up with 800 “friends” by reading about them instead of asking them. Did I mention brutal honesty is also a new years resolution? I would feel worse about writing it if I didn't already know that it's just as true for everyone else...

And there ya have it: the new years resolutions of a painfully honest, slightly irresponsible, selfish, silly, awkard, and creepy cat-loving weirdo. They may be bad resolutions, but hey, at least this year I’ll have the opportunity to boast about actually keeping them.