Do. Yo. Research.

Alright Christians, we need to have a SERIOUS come to Jesus talk.

I know it's really hard to distinguish what is true from what isn't on the Internet. I'm on the Internet a lot, too. I know the struggle. Pictures are photoshopped. Seemingly credible news sites share fake stories and fake news sites share seemingly real stories. It's incredibly frustrating. I mean, I love the Internet and the plethora of information I have at my fingertips, but I also hate the Internet for that exact reason. There's TOO much information. Most of it isn't even true information. People intentionally create things for the sole purpose of deceiving the masses. Maybe they want to sway you to their side on some political topic, maybe they want to attract trolls and get into an Internet debate, maybe they want to gain traffic on their website, or maybe they want to earn revenue from that very traffic. Who knows? All I do know is that there are an abundance of deceivers online and we've got to stop believing everything we read.



So what exactly am I referring to?

I'm referring to things like this:

And this:

And this:

Seems legit, right? After all, it's got a quote on it AND a picture of who or what it's about. But please notice that nowhere does it reference a credible source as to where it came from. And yet despite it having no evidence of being credible, it circulates on my newsfeed...multiple times. Was there another school shooting? Whip out this handy, completely untrue gun-control infographic so Obama won't take your guns! Is the Pope visiting? Share this quote that he didn't even say! And hey, was there yet another police shooting of an unarmed black man? Let's muddle the reputation of the victim's family with this completely untrue information!

I know, I know...I'm getting all "political" on you. But let's go ahead and get a more in-depth look at these "infographic" memes.

First, gun control. Before we really get into the details, let's just take a quick moment to recognize that in this chart we are comparing a drug-ridden third-world country to one of the richest first-world countries in the world. There could not be two more completely opposite countries that this meme creator could have chosen, and guns are not going to be the ONLY factor attributing to homicide rates. It would make much more sense to compare Switzerland with Austria, or Honduras with Columbia, if they did indeed have vastly different gun laws. Second of all, let it be pointed out that Switzerland does not have the lowest homicide rate in the entire world. It's low, but it's not THE lowest. I know, I know, it's a tiny detail, but if we're pursuing truth here, then let's make sure that what's being presented is the unobscured and unskewed truth. Third, don't you think that in a discussion about gun control you should actually compare gun-related deaths and not just the overall homicide rate? After all, how do we know that 80% of Switzerland's homicides aren't committed with knives, or bombs, or baseball bats, or even those pens chained to desks in banks or NERF guns? And the same goes for Honduras. And last, but certainly not least, I'd like to point out that not only does Honduras NOT have a ban on guns, but the Swiss are also NOT required to own guns. According to snopes.com: 

Honduras enacted a ban on open and concealed carry in 2007, but a 2012 news report stated that "under the existing law, citizens are allowed to own as many as five personal firearms," and in mid-2014 Guns & Ammo rated Honduras as one of the "10 Best Countries for Gun Owners," saying that "Hondurans may purchase most popular types of shotguns, handguns or rifles for the recognized purposes of self-defense and recreation." While Switzerland ranks fourth among all countries in gun ownership per capita (much higher than Honduras), they do not "require" all their citizens to own guns. Switzerland has a long history of mandatory military service for all able-bodied male citizens. The government issues firearms to conscripted men which, after training, they take home with them and keep until the conclusion of their military obligation (about age 34 for non-officers), but no other citizens are "required" to own guns.

So there ya have it, literally the only true thing in this handy anti gun-control meme is that Honduras and Switzerland have roughly the same population. That's it. It is false, it is a lie, it is deceitful...and yet many believed it...and then they shared it. 

Now let's have a look at meme #2:

This one was circulated pretty recently since the Pope just toured the U.S. and it's pretty personal for me, because when someone shared it on my Facebook, I actually did try to research it. I googled it and went to what seemed like a legit news website. I glanced at a couple other articles on the website that seemed true, but spent the bulk of my time trying to find an "About Us" section on the website where I could read about whether or not it was an "ironic" or "sarcastic" site. I couldn't find ANYTHING of the sort, so I decided I had done enough research and messaged my husband. I wrote, "I can't believe the pope said this!" He clicked on the article and quickly responded, "Uh, babe, I think you need to look at the other articles on this website. I don't think this is real." Lo and behold, when I went back to the site and spent more time looking at the other headlines, it became abundantly clear that it was a fake website. Believe me, I was very happy that I said something to my hubby BEFORE I ever shared it or commented on the post. I mean, I'm a librarian for crying out loud...I KNOW BETTER. And yet I still fell for it, and it TICKED ME OFF. Because honestly, I shouldn't have to spend more than 10 minutes researching whether or not something is true...I shouldn't have to research at all! But we do...because of sites like this, we HAVE to invest the time it takes to research it. The truth is important, and we need to make sure that we're spreading truth, not deception. There are people in your life who trust what you say, so it's high time you started being trustworthy in everything that you share.

On to meme #3:

Oooo...this one was a HOT TOPIC on Facebook. A lot of people had a lot to say about Michael Brown following his death by Officer Darrin Wilson, and I can conclude after a lot of my own research (which included poring over the actual police testimonies of Wilson and the many witnesses to Brown's shooting) that there was a lot of false info. out there. Yes, that includes this very pointed meme. ESPECIALLY this meme. Yes, some parts of it are true. For example, that is indeed Michael Brown's mother pictured above, Lesley McSpadden, and it is true that she didn't ever marry Michael's biological father. However, a majority of this meme is not true. For example, the man pictured next to her isn't her boyfriend...that is actually none other than Michael's biological father, Michael Brown, Sr. If it were actually who it claims to be---Louis Head---we would also learn from some quick research that he is not merely Lesley's boyfriend, but her husband, and they wed in July of 2014, just a month before Michael was shot and killed. If you google Louis Head real quick, you'll find that the two men look nothing alike. (You're not off to a good start, meme.) Let's continue on to the next person mentioned in the meme: Pearlie Gordon. I think it's important for you to know that Pearlie Gordon is not Michael's biological grandmother, but instead Michael Brown Sr.'s mother-in-law...so it's Michael Brown Jr.'s step-grandmother. You should also know that Michael Brown, Jr. never actually lived with her...ever. At the time of his death, he was spending the summer with his ACTUAL Grandmother, Desuirea Harris. Before that he was temporarily staying with friends, and had indeed spent his Senior year of high school with his grandmother due to "schooling issues." Basically, his Mom moved out of the school district, and Michael decided to stay in it and therefore lived with his Grandmother. Continuing on...Pearlie, his step-Grandmother, did indeed try to make money from selling t-shirts that memorialized Michael, but never did anyone attack or beat her up for it, and never did Michael's mother say that she was "entitled" to the money. In fact, a crowd of 20-30 people rushed Pearlie's booth and Leslie basically told her to stop selling them, whereby which Pearlie refused. And that was it. End of story. And while the end of this meme might have a point about the need to strengthen families, I think it's unfair to point it specifically toward the black community as the solution to this specific problem when there are plenty of children born out of wedlock or who come from broken or divorced homes in white communities, myself included, that don't have this specific problem at all.

So Christians, (and you too, INTERNET!) my point is this: Do. Yo. Research. Just because there is a picture with words on it shared on Facebook doesn't mean that it's true.

For example, just because this is a picture of Thomas Jefferson with a quote that is on definitelyrealquotes.com does not mean that Thomas Jefferson actually said it. It is unfortunate that I even have to tell you this, because it should already be totally and completely obvious to you. There needs to be a source and that source needs to be credible. Yes, it will require some research, but it is your obligation as a Christ-follower to always seek the truth. Yes, that may mean you have to set your politics aside, and it may mean that your assumptions may not prove to be correct, but what is important is that what you are believing and what you are sharing and telling people is true is ACTUALLY TRUE. The world already thinks that Christians are stupid and gullible, and hypocritical and manipulative to boot, the least you could do is stop giving them credibility to that assumption. Please, for all of us. For Christ's sake...and I don't mean that as a curse word...FOR HIS SAKE, stop making Him look bad. You are an ambassador of Christ, so please, for the love of all that is holy, stop sharing false, hateful, racist, political propaganda and start sharing what is true and right and fair and just and every other thing that is GOOD. Be a trustworthy and honest person.

And here, I am even going to help you out here. Whenever you see something like these memes online, no matter how real it seems to be, go to www.snopes.com and search it. You'll have a result in under a minute and it will be up front with you. It'll say True or False, or Mostly True or Mostly False, and it will give you credible sources to back up its claim. And if you can't find what you are searching for on the website, you can simply submit what you are searching, and they'll research it for you. It's that easy. That's how I found out about the above three memes. You can read about them yourself here:

http://www.snopes.com/politics/crime/mcspadden.asp
http://www.snopes.com/politics/quotes/popeatheist.asp
http://www.snopes.com/politics/guns/hondswitz.asp

Because of websites like this, and because of how easy they make it for us, none of us have any excuse whatsoever to not take the time to research what we are reading and what we are sharing on social media. It will take two minutes, tops. You can spare two minutes before you press that share button. You know you can.

And before I end this post, let's have a quick review of what types of sources are and are not credible:

• Your crazy Aunt Janice who sends you constant FarmVille requests: NOT CREDIBLE
• Any "Facebook Suggestion" site that shows up in your newsfeed: NOT CREDIBLE (They just want your clicks and the money that comes from your clicking.)
• An intentionally fake, sarcastic or ironic news site such as The Onion, National Report, World News Report, The News Nerd, Empire News, Lark News, or Clickhole: NOT CREDIBLE (Note: I may or may not have been fooled by one of these websites multiple times...I'm talking to you, NATIONAL REPORT, with your official sounding name and lack of mentioning you are not real anywhere on your site. You're the worst!)
• Major national news networks such as FOX News, CNN, or MSNBC: MOSTLY CREDIBLE, but let's not forget that they are all incredibly biased and don't just lean to the left or right...they are the extreme left and right and often offer no middle ground. Just sayin'. 
• News sites that have had a long credible history, in print and online, such as National Geographic, TIME, the New York Post, the Washington Times, or your local paper: PRETTY CREDIBLE, though again, they all have their biases.
• Any site where the writer would very likely lose their job should they be caught lying, not doing their research, or intentionally skewing their research: CREDIBLE. 
• A scientific or historical journal that is peer reviewed and therefore requires each study or article be reviewed by a panel of professionals before being published: CREDIBLE
• Any site that does not have a "works cited" or links to credible or primary sources: NOT CREDIBLE
• Any article that does not list an author or a date: NOT CREDIBLE
• Government Websites: CREDIBLE. I know, it's hard to believe, but they do the research, they post the results, and they pretty much leave any political bias out of it. It's just cold, hard, facts...the way it should be. 
• This post: THE MOST CREDIBLE OF ALL. Just kidding. But honestly, you should check the links for yourself and not take my word alone for it, because I am not a journalist. I do tend to spend insane amounts of time researching primary resources whenever a controversial news story breaks (because I'm a nerd), and I do have a Masters Degree in Library and Information Science (because I'm a nerd), and I have previously worked as a librarian (because I'm a nerd), though I do not currently (because I am apparently not nerdy enough to be a librarian in COLORADO), so that should all speak for itself, but I am not paid to research or write and I risk nothing other than my reputation when I make blog posts like this. So you really shouldn't believe every word I say all the time. You should research it for yourself and click on the links I've provided. 

And that is the most important thing I could possibly teach you through this post: To question, to think for yourself, and to research both sides so that you can have an accurate and informed view. You have a brain, and with the right tools, you can use it, too! And when in doubt, just ask yourself, "What would the Credible Hulk do?" Because believe it or not, the Credible Hulk and Jesus actually have a lot in common.

Yes, Christ Does Accept You, and So Should We

Matt Walsh has had yet another post go viral online. I suggest you read it first, here, before you continue on reading mine. At first, I was just going to share it on Facebook with a few thoughts that I don't think he took into account. Unfortunately those thoughts have now grown to be too many and are now heavy on my heart and require a full-on blog post. You see, I have no qualms with Matt's presentation of the Gospel. In fact, I think he did a wonderful job of demonstrating Christ's love for us and the incredible inclusivity that IS the Gospel. He tells it like it is when it comes to what it means to truly follow Christ, to sacrifice and give up our own selfish desires. That sacrifice is something that I myself still do not do well. I am still a very selfish and proud person, in constant need of God's grace. However, the fatal flaw in this article is not what he says about sin or the Gospel, but rather that from the very beginning, Matt made assumptions. He made assumptions that many Christians make, that many straight people make, that I still sometimes make and most certainly have in the past. His assumption comes from his use of one of my favorite G.K. Chesterton quotes: "Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried." 

So what is Matt really saying to the LGBTQ community in this article? Particularly to those who are Christians and therefore our brothers and sisters in Christ? You're gay because you're not trying hard enough. Pray the gay away, go to "conversion" therapy, go stay at an ex-gay organization like Exodus International. Do everything that you possibly can to stop being gay, and then when you have tried hard enough you'll stop being gay. 

As a straight person, that sounds easy enough to me. And of course it does, because I'm STRAIGHT and couldn't possibly understand what it's actually like to be gay. And the same goes for the millions of other straight people who have given away this seemingly simple advice to the gay community for literally their entire lives. And yet, why do we automatically assume that the gay Christians in our lives haven't already tried these methods from the very moment they realized they were different? Do you really think that a gay person just wakes up one day and decides that they'd rather be gay than straight? That they'd much rather be ostracized by society, their churches, and sometimes even their family? They live in this world too. They know what it means to be gay. All they have to do is look around them, watch T.V., listen to what is said about homosexuality in their churches, neighborhoods, schools, and at the dinner table with their family, and they can see that it's a long and difficult road ahead. Many of them spend their entire adolescent years doing exactly what you suggest: Praying night after night for God to make them straight, begging Him to take this burden that has been placed upon them, for him to not just keep them from temptation, but to take their very sexuality away from them. To, please God, make them straight. They pray in faith, they pray earnestly, and yet...God does not take their burden from them. He does not make them straight. 

And when they come to terms with that, what are they to do? They may just learn to hide it, to pretend to be straight. They try dating the opposite sex, and continue doing so in the hopes that maybe there is someone of the opposite sex out there that they'll be attracted to...maybe they just haven't met them yet. Perhaps they go an alternate route and reach out for help to their Christian parents, friends, or pastor...what happens then? They're told, yet again, to try harder. There will hopefully be some that will love and accept them, but more often than not they're rejected and ostracized...some parents even kick them out of the house, as can be attested to by 40% of our country's homeless youth. They're sometimes taken to conversion therapy, which in the end damages them further and also just plain doesn't work. They go to a place like Exodus International for weeks, even months...their last option, their last hope. And when they leave...they're still gay. They still have that same attraction. They've done everything that the church has told them to do, they fight and they pray, and then they fight and pray some more and nothing ever changes. No matter what they do, they are still gay. They have exhausted their options, and yet we keep telling them to try harder.

This isn't just one narrative of one gay person, this is the narrative of many. I know because I have read and listened to their stories. It happens so often that it is essentially a formula. Talk to any gay person who grew up in a Christian home and in church and it will likely be a similar story, if not the same story. And in every single one of their lives they will be forced to choose one of two alternatives if they want to remain in a Christian community: To be celibate for the entirety of their lives or to pretend to be straight  for the entirety of their lives, and eventually marry someone of the opposite sex, to whom they are not attracted. The church would never force any other member to make this decision, and yet for the gay person they require it. And so many will leave the church altogether. If they're lucky they will find a church that does allow them in and accepts them as they are, or perhaps the only church that allows them in is made up solely of other gays and lesbians, or perhaps they've been so hurt by the church that they don't want to have anything to do with it anymore. Different people make different decisions and experience different experiences when it comes to this, but their home church has been clear: do what we say and be who we want you to be, or you are not welcome here. You're not one of us. If you really were a Christian, you wouldn't be gay anymore. You didn't try hard enough. You didn't sacrifice enough. But honestly, what's left for them to sacrifice? How could they possibly try any harder?

This is their story and I haven't even touched on their internal struggle. The depression, the anxiety, the suicidal thoughts, attempts....and successes. Because in the end they can either choose to accept that they're gay and love themselves, or they can choose to hate that they're gay and hate themselves because of it. And that is the same choice we have as well. Do we accept that they're gay and love them, or do we hate that they're gay and hate them because of it? As Christians, to love and accept them is the ONLY choice we can make if we truly are concerned with their well-being, no matter how much other Christians mock you and label you as progressive, liberal, white-washed, or not Christian at all. If you are LGBTQ, I want you to LIVE and BE LOVED. I don't want you to walk into a church and feel no hope for the future, to feel like you are completely alone and will be forever. I don't want you to believe that the only way God or anyone else can love you is if you change. I don't want you to feel like there is no way that God could possibly use you for His good simply because you're gay, as if that is the dividing line between people God can love and use and those He can not. I don't want you to feel like your gifts and talents have no place in the church, and that you're literally the only person that the church will not utilize to carry out the love of Christ and his good deeds in this world. Because absolutely none of this is true. You are loved by God and your sexuality is not a deciding factor for Him in whether or not He will continue to love you. It is through His sacrifice on the cross that He is able to also wholly and completely accept you, as a sinner, with all of your past, present, and future sins, just as He accepts me, a sinner, with all of my past, present, and future sins. You are loved and you don't deserve to be treated the way that the church has treated you. They were wrong. They have sinned against you, and they have done so for generations. We have sinned against you. Please forgive us and help us do better. Share your stories. Let us know what it is really like to be gay, even more so let us know what it is like to be a gay Christian. We can never know unless you tell us.

As a straight Christian person, I don't have this all figured out. I have thought in far more black-and-white terms than even Matt Walsh does when it comes to homosexuality. In fact, if I pulled out my senior paper on homosexuality that I wrote at my Christian high school many years ago, I would probably be horrified at the condemnation, judgement, and arrogance that is between its pages. Even now, I am embarrassed of some of the things I've said in this blog post that I wrote a few years ago, but I feel it's important to leave it up as a testament to the fact that sometimes people change, and when you earnestly seek God and His truth, sometimes your only option is to change your mind and heart, no matter how many other Christians may disown you for it. 

By now, at the end of this post, you other straight Christians probably only have one question for me---it's probably the only question that matters to you at all for you to take anything I'm saying seriously---do you believe homosexuality is a sin? To be completely honest, my answer is "I just don't know anymore." I believe that the Bible is true, but I also know that many verses in the Bible have been either misinterpreted or misused to abuse or oppress specific people groups. Slavery anyone? Women anyone? The poor and uneducated, anyone? (P.S. This is what "Taking the Lord's name in vain" means. That's one of the 10 Commandments in case you had forgotten.) I also know that homosexuality is mentioned a surprisingly miniscule number of times in the Bible. In fact, miniscule is too big of a word---it's only mentioned 6 times. Now, I'm of course not saying that the number of times a sin is mentioned in the Bible determines whether or not it really is a sin, but I'm instead asking the question "Why didn't you mention this more often, God??? There were clearly gay people in the Old Testament, and there  were in the New Testament, so couldn't you give us all a little bit more to go off of here?" And I am not just frustrated at the complete lack of references to the subject, but also to the context and origins of the few passages in the Bible that do have the word "homosexuality." For example, was the sin in Sodom & Gomorrah specifically that the men were homosexual, or was it that they were going to gang rape the angel man? Or was it both? And why is the Greek word that Paul uses in the New Testament, arsenokoitai, so mysterious that nobody has ever even heard of this word outside of the New Testament? In fact, not only do I, a non-Greek speaker, not understand what this word means with the use of commentaries, but Greek scholars don't even know what it means, because Paul coined his own word. Some believe it refers strictly to homosexuals, while others believe it refers to pedophiles, the men who hired the young male prostitutes at the temple. And by young male, I do indeed mean children, which was not uncommon at the time. In the end, it's all speculation. It is a word sexual in nature, that's for sure, but as to which aspect of sexuality it is referring we have no clear idea. 

So as it turns out, I have a lot of questions, and the more I seek God and study the texts, the more muddy and confused my mind and heart becomes. God doesn't always make things black-and-white for us because all things aren't always as black-and-white as they seem, that's why He gives us the Holy Spirit to rely on. That's why when God brings LGBTQ people into my life, the Holy Spirit teaches me to love them and serve them, to show compassion and kindness, and to listen to them and respect them like I would any other human being. And that's why when He brings a transgender person into my life, I'm going to call them "Kate" instead of "Bruce," just like I would call a "Matt" by his full name, "Matthew," just because that's what he prefers, even though I myself really, really want to call him "Matt." 

This might surprise you, but the hardest part of my journey thus far hasn't been figuring out what the Bible does or does not say concerning homosexuality, or how it should be interpreted, but mostly it has been the constant feeling like I have to choose between loving God and loving my gay friends and family. As it turns out, that's a choice that the church forces on me, but it most certainly is not one that God has ever placed on me. If it were impossible for me to love both God and the gay people in my life, then Jesus would have never given us the seemingly even more impossible command to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. If loving our enemies is what flows out of our loving God, then we can most certainly love our gay friends and family that we already do love so much, and love them at the same time that we love and follow Christ. The only choice God asks us to make is to love. Do not be fooled into thinking anything else. 

And so I say to my fellow straight Christians, it is time that we stop seeing homosexuality as an agenda, as an assault on our marriages and families, as a political battle to win or a problem to fix and start seeing LGBTQ people with a name and a face and a story, who are part of our past, present, and future and who are welcome in our lives and in our churches. It is time we stopped listening to all of the long list of demands the straight Christian preacher and church body puts on the LGBTQ person and start listening to the LGBTQ person and how those demands are affecting them. If after listening to our sermons and encountering other Christians, an LGBTQ person grows to hate themselves, becomes anxious, depressed, or suicidal, feels ostracized, excluded or rejected, and does not feel loved or accepted by God, or closer to Him in any way, then they are not the problem. We are. It's not that they aren't trying hard enough, it's that we aren't trying hard enough. In fact, we aren't trying at all. The only reason you are probably still reading this is because a straight person is writing it. If this were the post of a gay Christian, would you have even gotten this far? Would you have gotten past the first paragraph? Would you have even clicked on it without assuming that it is part of the liberal agenda? These things that many gay people experience as a result of listening to us or encountering us are not good fruit and they do not come from God. When you follow the Greatest Commandment, when you love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and then love your neighbor as yourself, it brings about good fruit. Fruit like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. It brings about unity, not division. One look at the relationship between the gay community and the Christian community today and it is easy to see that we, the church, are not doing God's will or His work. We are being the worst ambassadors of Christ that could possibly exist.This has to change. 

All I ask of you is that you stop making assumptions and take the time to truly listen to the stories of people in the LGBTQ community. Take the time to get to know them. Talk to them, ask them questions, read their blogs and their books, do whatever you can to understand what it is actually like to be an LGBTQ person and what it is like for them to be in the church or encounter Christians. It is through our empathy and kindness that God will use us greatest, not through our raised voices, passed laws, and Matt Walsh shares on Facebook. And please, please, please let LGBT Christians serve in your churches. They have just as much to offer as any of us do. God can use them as much as he uses us straight folk. Don't for a second assume that they are not a valuable part of our community, because they are more valuable than you will ever know or understand and the joy and work you will miss out on as a result of not utilizing them will be a true shame. 



Some follow-up questions/thoughts you might have:

1. Q: Is it really too much to ask gay Christians to be celibate? After all, they aren't the only ones who have to fight against their sexual urges. Straight people do that on a daily basis, fighting fornication, pornography, adultery, etc.
    A: You're right. We do all constantly have to fight against sexual sins, even us married folk. The difference, though, is that while straight single Christians are encouraged to stay pure until they're married, gay people are forced to stay pure forever. For me, I stayed chaste for 27 years, but only the years after puberty really count, so it was more like 15 years in the end. I abstained for a while, and now I get to have sex for many years to come. I still fight sexual sin, and so does my husband, but we also still get to have sex, and even more importantly I get to share my life with him and have our marriage recognized by everyone. The gay Christian has to stay chaste for their entire life, and they never have the benefit of sharing their life with someone they love like a straight person would with their spouse (Unless of course they marry someone of the opposite sex and hope for the best!). There are still gay Christians who choose to be celibate, but the important part is that they do indeed choose that life for themselves instead of have the church thrust that decision on them. It is also important to remember that yes, celibacy is encouraged in the Bible, but the church does not encourage it anymore and does a poor job of incorporating singles in the church family. If you are going to force celibacy onto someone, the very least you could do is make them feel like part of the church family.

2. Q: But what about all the gay people who have gotten married and are straight now? 
    A: I don't know statistics on this one, but from what I've read that number is quite slim. I think some interesting questions to ask them would be, Are you still attracted to the same-sex? or Do you identify as bi-sexual, and not strictly as gay? Also, Do you feel like you are living a lie? Would you have made this choice had the church not required it of you? How has this decision affected your relationship with God? These are questions writers of these articles tend not to ask, and even if they did, I think the interviewee would be disinclined to answer that they're still attracted to the same sex (if they are in fact still attracted to the same sex) when their spouse and children are present, or if they will eventually find out their answer, along with the rest of the world and particularly their church family. I think I should also mention that there are instances where a gay person never tells their spouse they are gay until much later in life, thus breaking up the marriage and family. 

3. Q: How do you know conversion therapy doesn't work?
    A: Because of the plethora of scientific articles like this one. Some of the methods used are not only appalling, but inhumane and ineffective to boot.

4. Q: How do you know these ex-gay organizations like Exodus International don't work? 
    A: Because the founders of Exodus International shut themselves down, apologized for their organization, and are now ex ex-gay. In this article, they are quoted as saying "It is strange to be someone who has both been hurt by the Church's treatment of the LGBTQ community, and also to be someone who must apologize for being part of the very system of ignorance that perpetuated that hurt. Today it is as if I've just woken up to a greater sense of how painful it is to be a sinner in the hands of an angry church."

5. Q: But what about the gay agenda?
    A: Well, that depends on who you ask. If you ask most Conservative Christians, the gay agenda is to destroy family values and take away our religious rights. If you ask gays themselves, the gay agenda is to be able to get married and have the same equal rights as everyone else. To not be discriminated against because of their sexuality. If you ask gay Christians particularly they too want to protect religious rights, but they also want to have equal rights. Heck, there are even plenty of LGBTQ people who aren't religious at all that want to protect religious rights. 

6. Q: But isn't homosexuality all about sex?
    A: No, it is definitely not. Just like straight people, there are plenty of homosexuals who live promiscuous lives and have had many sexual partners. There are also those who seek monogamous, long-term relationships. Then there are some who previously were promiscuous, but are now in a monogamous, committed relationship and vice versa. Sounds just like straight people, huh? If all homosexuals wanted was sex, then gay marriage never would have been an issue, because we all know you can have sex without ever getting married. But clearly many of them do want  a companion to be in a committed relationship with for the rest of their life, who they can be on the same insurance policy with, pay joint-taxes with, be allowed to be in the hospital room with in an emergency, and have/adopt kids with. In a nutshell, that is much of what the gay rights movement has been about. That, and also equal employment opportunities and not being discriminated against, beat up, or murdered in general. 

7. Q: Are Homosexuals born gay or do they choose to be gay?

    A: I don't know, and neither does science. Scientists have been searching for a "gay gene" for years and have yet to find one. If science proves that people are born gay, I think it would change everything and the church would change its stance in a heartbeat, like it has with many things throughout history. Only time will tell, but neither one is a claim that anyone can make for certain.

8. Q: Does sexual abuse lead to homosexuality? 

    A: Sometimes it might, sometimes it might not. Some gay people have been sexually abused, some have not. Some come from broken homes, some come from healthy-intact homes. Some have distant fathers, some have good relationships with their father. Some have overbearing mothers, some have good relationships with their mothers. Research has not yet been able to identify a specific instance, environment, or parental situation that would actually cause a person to be gay. 

9. Q: Shouldn't gay Christians pursue holiness like the rest of us, and wouldn't that require celibacy?
    A: Yes, gay Christians should pursue holiness and be held accountable. That means the same thing that it means for the rest of us, like abstaining from sexual promiscuity, lust, drunkenness, gossip, etc. and pursuing selflessness, love, compassion, and justice. You will find that among gay Christians themselves there are two schools of people: those who believe homosexuality is a sin and choose to be celibate and those who do not believe homosexuality is a sin and pursue a monogomous relationship a.k.a. marriage. I don't get the impression that either "school" makes their decision lightly, and each seeks counsel, researches the Bible, and spends many months or even years of their life asking God what to do. Whatever their decision, I think it's safe to say that it's between them and God and we likely don't have any more insight to offer that they haven't already heard a million times or already researched themselves. If they ask your advice, then by all means offer it, but let them ask before you preach. 
Some resources for you:

God and the Gay Christian by Matthew Vines
Torn by Justin Lee
The Gay Christian Network
What Does the Bible Really Teach About Homosexuality? by Kevin DeYoung

The Downhill Ride

You might think that the title of this post is a fancy metaphor about life, but you'd be WRONG. So wrong.  You would be the wrongest that you've ever been in your entire life. In fact, I'm just going to nickname you "Wrongy." So joke's on you, Wrongy!

This post is, believe it or not, incredibly literal, so literal that I am actually talking about biking downhill. Who would have guessed, right? In Colorado, you see, there are LOTS of hills everywhere. Sometimes there's even mountains! So naturally, the Mr. and I like to bike them. The uphill is, as can be expected, the worst...hernia inducing at times. We have to take water breaks every 10 feet, and each segment of 10 feet takes approximately 10 minutes to ride. Also, everything burns. But the downhill...oh the sweet, sweet downhill: the wind in my hair, the thrill, the SPEED. It's indescribable. I love it. It makes the uphill battle absolutely worth it. At least,  it WOULD make it worth it if literally every flipping time I gained speed going downhill someone didn't get in my way and RUIN it. I am not exaggerating here. Literally. EVERY. time.

What kinds of people would do such a horrid thing, you ask? Oh, all kinds of people, and all of them bent on RUINING MY LIFE!

On today's ride, it was a 4 year-old who was perfectly content riding on the opposite side of the sidewalk, until he saw me barreling down the hill at 20+ mph. Then, of course, he decided that it would be his best idea yet in his little 4 year-old life to ride on MY side of the sidewalk DIRECTLY AT ME. You think I'm gonna fall for your "Oh, I'm just a 4 year-old, I had no idea what I was doing" act? Psh. I see right through you, 4 year-old. All you care about is ruining my fun! You're a fun-ruiner and I hope you fall off your bike!

And let's not mention the baby learning to walk in the park, with her two parents on either side of her, in the middle of the sidewalk, at the the bottom of a hill, right where the sidewalks intersect with NOWHERE FOR ME TO GO! The first time I forgave you, baby...because you're cute. The second time this happened, I was suspicious, but you were still pretty cute. The THIRD time? Oh, I knew what you were up to. You're not cute anymore, baby, and I would appreciate it if you would stop trying to kill me!

Oh, but it's not just children that like to ruin my good time, it's adults too! Like the douchebags in bro tanks walking side by side, 4 across, who upon hearing "On your left!" move to THEIR left, right in front of the Mr. (with me right behind), then yell at him for almost hitting them, even though he had already slowed to a crawl and somehow miraculously avoided them. Hey bro, how about next time you NOT cuss out my husband and MOVE OUT OF THE WAY. Next time, I am either running you over or punching you in the face. You can have your pick.

But that isn't the only set of bro-tank douchebags that have ruined our fun. Ohhhh no, because why wouldn't there be more? Especially in Boulder. Ohhhhh Boulder, how I loathe you. You think you're so cool with your pretty mountains and expensive housing, but we all know you're just a bunch of hippy yuppies who like to give reviews online like "The food was okay, but not as good as it is in BOULDER, because in Boulder all our food is GMO free and organic, and our chickens roam free in the mountains and receive excellent benefits and a 401k plan." Ugh, you're the WORST, Boulder! These guys...THESE guys were doing the exact same thing, except they didn't just take up the entire sidewalk, but the GRASS too! Thanks, bros, for forcing me to either run into you head on, go to my right and run you over, go left into an ice cold creek, or come to a sudden, complete stop, thus causing my husband to brake with his dominant left hand behind me and FLIP OVER HIS BIKE. Ugh! You were looking right at us, so don't even pretend like you didn't see us coming, bros. WE MADE EYE CONTACT, AND YOU STILL DIDN'T MOVE. Next time you want to play a game of chicken, you will not win. I will actually speed up just so it will hurt more when I hit you dead on, then follow you around until I catch you smoking pot in public and call the cops on you, because we allllll know you were high. We. all. know it.

So to everyone else in the future who sees me coming on a bike, YOU BETTER MOVE. I'm not stopping ANY MORE. You will not ruin this for me. I don't care if you're an infant in a runaway stroller, I'm not stopping. If you're wounded and bleeding in the middle of the sidewalk, don't get your hopes up for a good Samaritan, cuz this good Christian girl has places to be...like the bottom of this hill! Oh, what's that, there's construction? Well, then, it about to get extreme, because I'm about to go off trail. I am not going through all of the work of biking uphill both ways, for eleventy billion miles, in 250 degree heat only to have you ruin my fun, so just be a decent human being and move, you fun ruiners! Especially you, BABY.

That is all.

When Brokenness Is Met With Silence

I hadn't been this nervous since my first day of middle school. I walked through the green and white doors of what was formerly a girl scout house and found myself in an ocean of teenagers. I recognized a good number of them: there was Blake and Nate playing foosball in the corner, and Cory and Courtney circled around on the couches with some other girls, laughing and giggling, probably playing M.A.S.H. or talking about who they thought was the cutest boy in the youth group. I didn't have the guts to go say hi to any of them, or worse, introduce myself to someone new, so I quickly scurried off to the individual chairs placed all in a row, awaiting their sermon from the youth pastor. I sat there alone cursing myself for coming early. I just sat there awkwardly staring around the room (we didn't have cell phones back then to be occuppied with), looked at my fingernails, went to the bathroom, came back, and a few minutes later the other kids started to file in and sit down. The youth pastor came on stage and gave a hearty welcome, made a few jokes, then instructed everyone to greet the kids around them. I turned around behind me and saw the familiar brunette hair and glasses. "Hi! I'm Courtney!," she said. "Hi, I'm Tiffany," I stammered. "Where do you go to school?" she politely asked. "Berean," I replied. "Oh, cool," she said. "I know some people that go there." "Really? Who do---" The youth pastor cut me off and had all of us return to our seats. He then continued on by calling some kids on stage for a game and then went in to his sermon and thirty minutes later, he dismissed us. A lot of kids stuck around to play games and chat, but I made a beeline straight for the door, never to return again.

Under normal circumstances I would have been thrilled that somebody even talked to me, and I would have at least given the youth group another chance. But this, this hurt too deeply. It hurt deeply because not only did I know Courtney, I knew her siblings and her parents. I was in the church nursery with her, and spent the last ten years of my life going to Sunday School and Awanas with her. My fifth grade year, we went to a weekend camp together. The same could be said of over half of the kids there that night. Yet none of them said hi to me, and the only one that did had no idea who I was. It's painful enough to feel like a loser in a room full of teenagers, but to have gone to church with the same kids for what amounted to my entire life and realize that you had been invisible all those years is a whole new level of pain. At first, I tried to blame it on puberty. Maybe they truly didn't recognize me. Maybe I looked more different than I thought. After all, 5th grade Tiffany had A-cups and short blond hair, but 6th grade Tiffany had B-cups, short blond hair, and glasses. Maybe my glasses were hiding my true identity, like Clark Kent's did? But over time I grew to accept that it wasn't me at all, it was them being teenagers caught up in their own world. Focused more on fitting in than including.

My Dad had begged me to go to youth group that night. I hadn't been in church in a year, since my parents separated towards the end of 5th grade. I was too embarrassed and thought that church was only for people in whole families. Surely I was too broken to belong in a church? And as it turns out, I was too broken, and I wouldn't be back in a church for another four years.

Part of me knew that the church should have been there for me and my family when it all fell apart, but another part of me always felt like we deserved to be outcasts. After all, we couldn't keep it together. My parents couldn't get along and didn't love each other anymore and I couldn't go to sleep without crying. How could I go to church anymore with a smile on my face when inside I was so wounded? The easiest solution was to just not go anymore. If I didn't go to church, I wouldn't have to pretend. Problem solved. And unfortunately, the church didn't hesitate to accommodate that decision. I remember getting a few cards from my Sunday School teachers saying "We Missed You!", but those faded away with time. There were a few occasions where I had sporadically returned to my Sunday School class after receiving the cards, but every time I found myself having to pretend, and even worse, everyone else pretended right along with me. I thought surely people knew that my family was broken, but nobody ever said anything. It was always the elephant in the room. What I needed was for someone to say, "I'm sorry your parents are getting divorced" or to ask "How are you doing? What can I do to help? Do you need to talk?" but instead I got a resounding silence. Soon I became nothing but the shadow of a memory there, and in just a year's time I found out that to them I had never even existed.

I always wondered if perhaps the church truly didn't know that my parents had separated and divorced two years later. I wondered if I misplaced the blame. Maybe my parents just never told anyone and our circumstances went completely undetected because of it. Maybe no one mentioned the divorce or asked how  I or my family was because they had no idea that anything was wrong. In hindsight, and having also talked to my Dad about it, I suppose that's partially true. My parents naturally didn't publicize their failure. They had talked to the pastor and in time family and close friends, but strangely enough the word didn't spread like you would expect it to in the church. On the one hand, it's a comfort to know that my family didn't become the gossip subject of an entire church, as I had originally expected it to, but on the other hand the lack of pertinent information about my family led to us being ignored in a crisis and having no one minister to us in our time of need. I suppose I can't cast all the blame on the church, as my Dad and Mom themselves didn't advertise our situation or reach out for help, but at the same time, someone should have noticed that my Mom had gone missing from church, and eventually my brother and I.

Though my parents didn't advertise our brokenness, they also didn't hide it. If someone asked, they would tell. But unfortunately, by the time anyone bothered to ask where my Mom was, it was far too late. And really, only two people in the entire church ever bothered to ask. The first was a couple whose daughter was in my Sunday School class. "We haven't seen Laura in a while. How is she?," they innocently asked. "Well, Laura and I actually got a divorce, so that's why you haven't seen her in a while," my Dad bluntly explained. "Oh. We're so sorry." This was at least two years after my parents first separated. The next time someone would ask about my Mom was 5 years later.

My family wasn't THAT Christian family who was in the church every time the door was open, but we weren't a holiday-only church-going family either. My Dad was consistent and went every single Sunday while my mom, brother, and I probably went 2 to 3 times a month, missing a Sunday or two on account of really liking sleep. My Dad taught Sunday School when I was a kid and even taught a couple of my classes throughout the years, and he was also an Awana leader for a year or two as well. My Mom sang in the choir and I think worked in the nursery for a little while. We went to some church functions but missed others, and that was pretty much our pattern for the 10 years we were there.

 As my Dad so perfectly put it: "What did the church do right? Nothing. What did the church do wrong? Nothing." As I myself would put it: What did the church do at all? Nothing. And I think that is what hurt the most: the silence. Feeling completely alone and isolated and having no one ever acknowledge my brokenness, our brokenness.

When it comes to divorce, the church handles it poorly. It goes largely ignored and entirely unpreached upon. Few churches have support groups for couples going through a divorce, and in the ones that do the people only remain in the group until they begin dating again or remarry, whereupon they reassimilate into the church as a family. The people who are forgotten are the children of divorce, and the single parents who do not ever marry again, who choose a life of celibacy. Whereupon we used to be a part of the church, we quickly realize that we no longer are. We are forgotten and we just don't belong anymore.

Take my Dad, for instance, who has been single for 18 years now and has chosen that life of his own volition. I often accuse him of being antisocial at church. He is a faithful Christian who faithfully attends church every Sunday, yet he sneaks in on Sunday morning and sneaks out avoiding most social interactions. Every now and then he'll volunteer. He'll be a greeter at the back door where all the other introverts, homebodies, and latecomers sneak in, he'll work with young adults and connect with the "outcasts" of the group, sometimes he'll do ministry on his own like connecting with a program that mentors international students at the local university. He is quiet and unassuming and prefers to serve and give anonymously, without any recognition, and because of this he is not well known in the church. No one would ever think to nominate him to be an elder or deacon, even though he perfectly fits the description, and even if they did nominate him he'd turn them down. He wouldn't want the attention, nor the pressure. But despite his faithfulness, he just kind of gets the shaft when it comes to church. He is a divorced introvert nearing his 60s with grown kids and no interest in remarrying. He is a bit of a misfit, and it's not because he's strange...the church just doesn't have a place for him. He can't go to the Sunday School class centered around building your marriage, or the class on parenting. He's too old and too recovered for the singles and divorced classes (if the church even has one) and he's too young for the elderly class. He just doesn't fit in anywhere, and it's not for lack of trying, as I have sadly so often assumed throughout the years. He has tried and attended and served where he can, but in the end, the church doesn't really know how to deal with anything other than family units. Many churches are learning and creating support groups for divorcees and single moms, but the single dad? I don't think the church has every even considered how to serve single dads, or how to give them opportunities to serve, and I doubt they ever will.

I used to be so frustrated at my Dad because I thought he wasn't being outgoing enough, he wasn't willing to venture outside of his comfort zone in church and be active in the ways I thought he should be active, but little did I realize that every time he enters those doors he IS outside of his comfort zone. Choosing to go week after week despite being an "outcast," despite all of the hurtful things pastors and people have said to him in the past, despite all of the schisms he's witnessed, and despite the fact that the church has never really done anything for him or to serve him...THAT is true courage and commitment and faithfulness. And though I'm sure that God has taught him much through it all and refined him by fire again and again, I'd be lying if I said I'm not frustrated and angry at the church. For him and for me.

I know that church isn't about me and having all my needs met...I've heard that sermon a million times. I've been told again and again that it's more important for me to serve and invest in others, and believe me, I've done that again and again. More than most people. I've been in ministry. I know what it's like to pour your heart and soul into the church. But when you've spent your entire life in church and not only faithfully served, but watched your Dad and your Mom and your brother serve and yet not once has the church ever helped you or any of them in a real time of need or crisis, something's wrong, and you aren't the problem. If my family is a testament of anything, it's that the church is poorly equipped to deal with broken people from broken families. If it takes two years for a church to notice 3 of its long-time members is gone, something is wrong. If no one bothers to ask the little girl whose parents just divorced if she's okay, something is wrong. If not a single friend in your church ever shows up to help your parents in a crisis, and their excuse is that they don't want to "choose sides," something is wrong. Do better, church. Just do better.

I'm not asking for more classes or more sermons. I'm just asking for you to be there. Be the hands and feet of Jesus. Be a listening ear to those who are hurting. Be a support system that we can rely on when our world falls apart. Allow broken people to serve without being stigmatized as the "divorced guy" or the assumed "wild child." And if you're going to call yourself a church family, then let us be a part of your family. Invite us over for dinner. Help us move, even if you don't agree with the reason for that move being divorce. Ask us how we're doing and mean it. Write us encouraging letters and e-mails, not long ones with bullet points as to why divorce is a sin. Stop judging us and just freaking love us. Because seriously, church, if you had loved us it would have made all the difference.

But thankfully, while you didn't love us, Jesus did. And He taught us more about grace and love than you ever possibly could have, so much that we forgave you and continue to do so every time you disappoint us and aren't there. He taught us that serving Jesus isn't the same thing as serving the church, and by allowing us to know what it felt like to be judged, he opened our hearts up to care about and love people who aren't like us and don't make all of what we deem to be the "right" decisions. Yes, I forgive you church, because God has forgiven me for my many sins and for all of the times I have been a hypocrite and haven't been there for hurting people like me. But just because I forgive you, it doesn't mean I wholly trust you, and I probably never will. But please, church, recognize that there are broken people and broken families among you and just do better. 

Size 4 is the New Fat

I remember the first time it occurred to me that I might be fat. I was in the 4th grade and my brother was in his juvenile moronic phase where he thought it was funny to call EVERYTHING fat. He pointed to a stick and joked about how fat it was. Then he pointed to the tree and called it fat. Then he pointed to me and called me fat, and despite him apologizing and assuring me that he was joking, this time it just stuck. I thought, "I think he might be right. I think I might be fat." I wasn't fat. Not even close.

Fast forward to the glorious beginning of puberty in 6th grade, where I was one of the first girls to "develop." All of the girls around me but for one were still in girls' sizes and well under 100 pounds, but I had gone straight from a girls' size 16 to a womens' size 8 and was now a plump 118 pounds. I was convinced I was fat. I wasn't.

Of course, like all girls do, I continued to grow throughout junior high and high school and I graduated in a size 11. "Uh oh. Double digits," I thought.  I actively played sports and took up running on my own over the breaks in between sports,  but that didn't matter, because MY thin was never thin enough. And double digits can never be considered thin. I believed I was fat. I wasn't.

I went on to college and of course gained some weight, as all college girls tend to do, but it wasn't until my senior year that my weight gain had taken me out of the "healthy" boundaries. I was officially overweight, according to doctor's charts, and have remained increasingly so since. I am not really that overweight, but I believe I'm FAT. I'm not.

I honestly thought when I was young that I would grow out of this "I have to be thin" mentality. I thought It would go away with maturity, as I began to gain a sense of self-worth. But I'm 27 years old and it hasn't. And the more I began to think about it, the more it began to occur to me that not only is this our cultural mentality, but it's also my family mentality.

You see, in the 80s and 90s my grandmother owned and operated a Diet Center. Of course, this wasn't like the dieting places today that feed off of women's low self esteem. This diet center was truly all about health and helping severely obese people lose the weight and start living a healthy lifestyle. But nonetheless, dieting was a big deal in our family. My grandma HAD to stay thin for her job, because you can't own a diet center and not be thin. And the thing is, once you have this must-be-thin mentality, your children will inherently pick up the same mentality. And as can be expected, my mother did. In fact, for the duration of my entire life, my mother has either been just coming off of a diet, on a diet, or talking about needing to go on one. She rarely eats anything without checking to see how many calories are in it, and if they're not listed, at least speculating or mentioning how many calories it PROBABLY has. And if you check her fridge, nearly everything will have the words "low fat" or "fat free" written on it. This is just an example of the legacy that has been left to me.

Now, before you go thinking negatively of the women in my family, just know that they rarely pressured me into taking on this mentality. There have been a few occasions where my mom has stopped me pre-bite to remind me of how many calories I was about to consume, but overall those occasions have been rare. Had I not lived with my dad for as many years as I did, who had developed an aversion to all foods diet because they "just didn't taste as good." (which they don't), I'm sure I would have heard more, but i can only speculate on that. But even if I had NEVER heard a single comment, it wouldn't have mattered, because I still would have picked up on the exact same mentality simply because I am my mother's daughter. Because I looked up to her, I modeled her, I listened to her, and I studied her, as all daughters do. And so I learned from my beautiful mother who has never believed herself to be beautiful that I too am not beautiful---that beauty depends on my size.

And mothers, take this to heart---no matter how many times you tell your daughter that it's what's on the inside that counts, that she is beautiful just the way she is, that clothes and jewelry and hair and weight don't matter---you completely cancel out your own words by not taking it to heart yourself. How can your daughter believe such things if you don't even believe what you're saying? How can your daughter focus on having a beautiful heart when you can't stop obsessing about the number of calories you consumed, or getting the latest trends in fashion, or getting that $80 haircut that you desperately need? Practice what you preach, moms, because your daughters learn more from watching you than listening to empty words. They can see right through you.

And the same goes for you, men. Your words matter. Your actions matter. What you say about other women, how you treat them---your daughters are watching. Your wives are watching. Your sisters are watching. Your nieces and cousins and friends and complete strangers are all watching. Your sons are even watching and learning how they, too, should treat women. Had I not had my father's constant presence in my life, his admiration and love and encouragement, who knows how I would have turned out? He never talked about my weight. He didn't care about weight. He rarely ever mentioned any woman's weight or the way she looked at all, and when he did, he would mention it in the kindest of ways, like "Your cousin, Debbie, is so pretty, but she doesn't know it. She thinks she's not beautiful because of her weight." Or perhaps he'd describe someone as a "large woman" or maybe even a little "homely" so I could better visualize the person he was talking about, but he'd always follow it up with a description of her as kind or pretty or some other good quality so I'd know it didn't really matter what they looked like in the end. Thank God for his sensitivity, because many other men in my life didn't have that same sensitivity. Of course there were my hormone-driven peers who obsessed about how hot girls' were and rated them on a scale of 1 to 10. But then there was my brother, who would often point out how fat a person was and say things like, "Gosh, they're so disgusting." Or he'd comment on the insane amount of fat people there are in the town where he lives as if they were some half-breed of people who should be eliminated. I, of course, took this to heart. It didn't matter that he wasn't talking about me or even to me. It's stuck with me, and to this day when I'm around him I think, "Does he still love me now that I've gained weight? Does he think I'm disgusting, too? Does he talk about my weight when I'm not there? What if I gain more weight? What then?" Odds are, he's completely grown out of this phase. He's more compassionate now. But even so, I can't ever forget those comments. And for some reason, my brother's opinion and approval will always matter to me, because I can't help but look up to him like I always have.

And so here I am, 27 years old, and still struggling to believe I am beautiful despite my weight---constantly preaching the same lies to myself that I have my entire life:

If only I weighed less, then...

People would notice me.
People would appreciate me.
I will be loved.
Someone will want to marry me.
I'll feel good about myself.
I'll be more comfortable in my own body.
I won't be ashamed of the way I look.
I'll be beautiful.
I'll have more worth.
People will like me more.
I'll be HAPPIER.

But just a couple weeks ago, the truth HIT me like a ton of bricks. You see, I was following this girl on Instagram who lost a ton of weight. She started out about my size and is now down to about a 4 and she often posts "progress" pictures of herself. It didn't take me long to unfollow her, because to be honest, an insecure girl like myself can only handle so many half-naked skinny pics a day, but I still visit the page every now and then. And that day I saw a picture of her looking thin and beautiful like always (because she really is a BEAUTIFUL person inside and out) and she had made a comment about how she was going on a cruise and was challenging herself to be comfortable in her body the whole time. And all I could do was yell out that shocked scream in my own head, "WHAT?!? You are beautiful and the thinnest you have ever been, and you're STILL not comfortable in your body? You're still so uncomfortable that you actually have to CHALLENGE yourself so that you can enjoy the fun, beautiful, expensive CRUISE that you're going on? People are constantly liking your photos and telling you how beautiful and thin you are and how much of an inspiration you are to them and you're STILL not convinced you're beautiful???"

And that is when I realized that it's all a hoax. It's all a lie. All of it. Being thinner will not make me happy. It will not affirm my worth. It will not make me more lovable or more liked. It will not make me more comfortable in my own body. And now I just keep thinking, "How could I have been so dumb all these years?" How could I have thought when I was younger that being thin would earn me a man's love when supermodels like Heidi Klum can't even keep a husband? How could I think that I'd be more comfortable in my own body if the skinniest girls I know still don't believe they're skinny enough? How could I think that being thin is some sort of secret to eternal happiness when the happiest times in my life have had NOTHING to do with my weight and EVERYTHING to do with my relationship with God. And when have people EVER stopped loving me because I gained weight? When has anyone ever stopped loving ANYONE because they gained weight, except for a few vapid shallow people who wouldn't deserve your love in such a case anyways?

This whole "thinspiration" mentality, it's just got to go. I know it's hard to fight. Perhaps It was easier back in the 80s and 90s, when we only saw a few hundred images in the media a day. But now, we see THOUSANDS every day. And they've grown increasingly unrealistc. They're all photoshopped---and we know they are---but we see them so often that we forget they're not real. And now, with the rise of blogging, it's not just celebrities who are thin and fashionable, it's REAL women, too. Our friends and neighbors and family members. We don't seem to notice that they, too, are photoshopping themselves. And we don't seem to find it absurd  that they're posting constant photos of THEMSELVES. Instead, we've convinced ourselves that because they're "REAL," it's okay to want the clothes that they have and hair like them and to be thin like them. (Seven deadly sins alert! Envy, envy, envy! Retreat!) Maybe that's more attainable, since they're a mother of four. Since they're a teacher. Since they're a career woman. Since they're not a celebrity. Surely they would NEVER photoshop a photo of themselves. And I'm sure that they don't only post the best photo out of the 50 they just took at all---I'm sure that's what they look like EVERY DAY, as soon as they wake up, in fact. Yup, I'm sure their bodies are just perfect, and their lives too. They probably don't have any insecurities at all...;-)    

For years women blamed men for all of the unrealistic expectations placed upon them, but now we've got no one to blame but ourselves. Because you know what? There's not a man putting a gun up against the head of every girl posting a half naked picture of herself on the internet. Men aren't the ones photoshopping your Facebook profile picture. Men aren't the ones running every single fashion blog, or instagram account, or facebook page or tumblr that disguises envy and pride and unrealistic expectations as "fitness" and "fashion" and "healthy living" and "clean eating" ("I'm not on a diet, I'm just eating healthier!") Men aren't the ones talking about how much they love women with a "thigh gap" or how much they can't stand that arm jiggle every human being has on their upper arm---for heaven's sake, men could care less! Men aren't the ones making women spend half their lives in the gym and going on diets.  And most men aren't the ones telling you you aren't beautiful---YOU ARE. My poor husband tells me all the time how beautiful I am, how much he loves my body just the way it is, how much my weight doesn't matter...but the poor guy can't win because I refuse to believe it myself. And I'm sure most men have a similar tale: They give their woman a compliment and before they know it their woman is tearing it down, picking it apart, proving it false, assuming it's not genuine, and leaving their man stunned in a worse spot than he was  BEFORE he even gave the compliment. Why? Because we women can't just accept ourselves. We can't possibly fathom that we might actually be beautiful, right now, in this very moment, exactly as we are. It's ridiculous.           

So women, if you really want all this nonsense to stop. If you really want to be a role model for your daughters and pave the way for future generations of women, then take my advice: Get over yourself. And then love yourself. What do I mean by get over yourself? I mean stop thinking of only yourself all the time. Stop spending so much time thinking about YOUR body and YOUR weight and YOUR happiness and start thinking about other people for once. Stop making social networking all about YOU and YOUR glorification. Stop posting an endless stream of photos of YOURSELF. Stop worrying about how YOU look. Stop seeking the false admiration of all these people on the internet, whose "likes" and comments you now find yourself craving because you think it's building YOU up, when it's only feeding YOUR pride. Just stop all of it. Now. And when you do stop, learn to LOVE yourself instead of worship yourself. In fact, just repeat after me:

I am unconditionally loved by God, for eternity, no matter what.

God cares far more about my heart and soul than my weight, my clothes, my posessions, and yes, even my health.

I am created in His image. I have inherent worth, and no one can take that worth away from me.

My eyes, my ears, my hair, my thighs, my hips, my body shape...every physical thing about me was intentionally created by God and specific to only me. They are a gift. I will not spend half my life with an ungrateful attitude wishing I had someone else's gifts. 

I will only be happiest when I focus on God and love Him first and foremost. Loving myself first and foremost will only result in my own ruin.

Thinking less about myself will free me up to think more about God and others. Spending less time starving myself will free me up to spend more time feeding my soul and feeding others physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

My health does matter, but it still does not guarantee me tomorrow, even at my thinnest and fittest.

Whether or not someone loves me has nothing to do with me---who I am, what I look like, how I act---and everything to do with them. I can not earn someone's love, I can only receive it as a gift if they choose to give it.

I am beautiful. And the more I love God, the more I reflect His image. And the more I reflect His image, the more beautiful I become. 

The mirror is not my enemy. Satan is. And the lies I believe come from him, not my mirror. I can not control whether or not I hear and see those lies, but I can control whether or not I believe them.

And the list goes on and on...and on and on. Feel free to add more affirmations if you like, because I'm sure this is but a fraction of the lies women are believing these days. So women, if you haven't caught on to the point of this post yet, here it is:

You are beautiful, and no number on a scale or dress tag could ever even come close to defining who you are as a person or the worth that you have as a human being and creation of God. Don't believe me? You know all those verses about Jesus dying on the cross to pay for our sins? About how he paid our ransom? All those verses that for some strange reason use monetary terms of WORTH? Yeah, those are about you. YOU. Jesus died for YOU. You who, no matter how hard you try to stop sinning, can't stop sinning. You who spend every day of your life being selfish in one way or another, and probably completely ignoring God. He STILL loves you and STILL died for you. He still thought you were WORTH it. Has anyone else ever died for you? Does anyone else's opinion really matter, then, when He DIED for you? Do you think God cares about your clothes or your waist size? Do you think He'll stop loving you if you gain a few pounds? Because He doesn't care and He won't stop loving you. So who cares if someone else does? They don't love you like He does. They CAN'T love you like He does. So stop living for them, stop living for yourself, and start living for the only being in the entire universe who accepts you as you are and loves you anyways. Not only will you, yourself, change for the better, not only will you find joy and contentment, but you will start a chain reaction among your fellow women---especially among your daughters---and foster a generation of women who love God, love themselves, and love their neighbors as themselves. (Isn't it strange how much easier it is to love and accept your neighbor when you actually love and accept yourself?) Now THAT is the kind of world I want to live in.

And now, as for me, I'm just going to go try to take my own advice...because the truth is, I need it FAR more than any of you do. I'm sure anyone who knows me---especially my husband---can affirm that.

                                                                                                                                                                                                 

When Racism Is Subtle

"Why can't those animals protest without being so violent and tearing people's property apart?"

"Why are those black people protesting? Don't they have jobs?"

These are both things that have been shared in my Facebook newsfeed recently and no one seems to realize that saying such statements and holding such beliefs are in fact a catch 22. It's a trap, a trap in which people of color lose 100% of the time. If you gather together to peacefully protest you're automatically labeled as unemployed, entitled, and "race baiters." If you don't peacefully protest you're labelled as unemployed, entitled, and "race baiters"...and also, of course, animals. 

It baffles me that people think they have to take sides in matters like this, as if we have to choose between valuing life and condoning violence. There is no choice that has to be made. The deaths of Michael Brown, Freddie Gray, Eric Garner, and countless other unarmed black men by police were horribly wrong and never should have happened. At the same time, the rioting that took place in Ferguson and Baltimore was wrong and never should have happened. There is no side to choose here other than what is just and what is right. That's all. Choose justice. Choose love. Choose what is true. Choose what is right.

The truth is that black lives DO matter. And all of the thousands of African Americans that you see protesting under this mantra aren't doing so because they don't have jobs and they aren't doing it to race-bait, they aren't doing it because they think white lives or police lives DON'T matter, but rather they are doing it so that we will finally LISTEN and be advocates in CHANGE. And if anything is evidence that change needs to be made, it's my Facebook newsfeed. So, will you listen? Will you be the change? 

If you're interested in learning about what "all those people"are protesting about, here are a couple of books you can read that illustrate how prevalent racism still is in our society, and how subtle and hard to recognize it has become for those of us on the outside of it:

So seriously, if you really want to know the facts and understand this movement, what are you still doing here? Why are you still reading a white girl from Kansas's blog and why are you still watching commentary on Fox news? Go...listen to what people in these hurting African American communities are saying. Listen to their stories. Listen to their experiences. Don't take my word for it, take theirs.

http://blacklivesmatter.com

Jesus and Minimum Wage

So I guess today was the day that people around the country walked out of their jobs to protest in the #fightfor15 movement, which if you haven't figured out, is a movement to raise the minimum wage to $15. Now, according to Matt Walsh, people who work for minimum wage don't deserve to make $15.00 an hour, because flipping burgers or working a cash register doesn't require any sort of skill or education whatsoever, and their jobs just aren't important or valuable. But if you ask me, Matt Walsh is just an a-hole. Believe it or not, I actually used to really like him, but my feelings have changed over the past couple years  and I've gained a little more perspective than just the strictly conservative viewpoint. I don't know if he's changed or if I've changed or if we've both changed, but I do know that I no longer find his rants to be helpful or useful in any way, and I find that his utter lack of compassion is not quite the reflection of Jesus that he claims it to be.

But with that aside...it's not so much that I think we should raise the minimum wage, but rather that we should ask ourselves this important question: "Who are we to decide who 'deserves' to be paid a livable wage and who is not?" I mean, what are our criteria for deciding who should be able to pay their rent and utilities and car payments and any other bills that come their way? Is it only the college educated people, who probably already had the money to begin with, as evidenced by the fact that they were able to get in to college, pay for college, or even receive a loan to pay for college? Is it just the people with "important" jobs like doctors and dentists and teachers and lawyers? How about people with office jobs? Do they deserve a higher minimum wage? Or people with sales jobs? Nonprofit jobs? Retail jobs? Government jobs? What is our determining factor here? Where do we draw the line? Because honestly, the only criteria seems to be an education, and a person's work ethic seems to have absolutely no bearing whatsoever, even though we like to assume that minimum wage workers are lazy. For example, you could have a completely uneducated worker in the office who makes $9.00/hr and works harder than anyone else, and then you could have a man with a bachelor's degree making $20.00/hr who does virtually nothing, but according to most people the uneducated man doesn't deserve higher pay because, well, he doesn't have an education. Sure, he probably has tons of work experience, a good work ethic, and on-the-job training, but he doesn't have that degree, so he's just not as important. He doesn't deserve to be better able to care for his family.

And when it comes to fast food workers, who are we to say that they don't deserve to earn more money? Who are we to assume that they don't work hard? I have a sister-in-law who's spent the last 20 years working her butt off at Arby's just so she can care for her two kids. She's worked her way into a management position, but does she make as much money as she deserves? Absolutely not.

I think a year ago I would be right there with the Conservatives on this, shaking my head and talking about how utterly ridiculous it would be to raise the minimum wage, how undeserving minimum wage workers are. I probably would have kept on believing this had I not ended up working at Target this past summer after we first moved to Colorado, down one car, unable to find a job in my field, and desperate for money. At first, I considered myself entitled. "I have a Master's degree," I kept telling myself. "I deserve so much more than this." But you know what? I don't deserve more than a Target job. My education doesn't make me a better or more valuable worker to anyone, and I found that out real fast. Working at Target was one of the most difficult and physically exhausting jobs I've ever had, and the majority of people I worked with were really hard workers. They didn't get paid well and they didn't get the recognition they deserved, but they still did their job and did it well. The people who were the laziest....were the managers. Yup, that's right: the people with the college degrees. I found myself shocked when Target employees would do their grocery shopping after they got off work and then pay with their SNAP cards. I didn't understand how they could work so hard and still need government assistance, but I came to understand real fast once I figured out what my yearly salary would technically be, and what it would be like for me if I had to live off of that alone. It would have been virtually impossible to even pay our rent.

For the short time that I worked at Target I absolutely hated it. It was a crappy company to work for and they didn't really care about their employees, but looking back, I'm still thankful for my time there. Working retail while I was in college was one thing, but as an adult who was dependent on that tiny little paycheck it was an entirely different experience, a humbling experience, an eye-opening experience.

Maybe raising the minimum wage to $15.00 will really change the face of poverty, maybe it won't. Maybe $15.00 is too high and we need to compromise for less. Maybe it needs to stay the same. I don't know. But here's what I do know: We've got to stop telling people that they're livelihoods don't matter and that their jobs are unimportant. We've got to stop assuming that minimum wage workers don't care about their jobs and don't work hard at them. We've got to stop treating people like they're less because they don't have an education. We've got to stop telling people that they don't deserve a life free of the stress of living paycheck to paycheck, just trying to make ends meet, just because they haven't ever had the opportunity or advantage of a higher education. And we've got to stop pretending like the fast food workers and retail workers of the world are the only ones who think they're entitled to higher pay, because I think if those of us with a higher education and higher-paying jobs take a good long look in the mirror we'll realize that we too have that same entitlement. If you don't think so, try working at Target for a couple months. That entitlement will rear it's ugly head reeeeeaaaal fast.

I think the thing that frustrates me the most about the whole battle over minimum wage is that the very people who complain about their tax dollars going to assist people on welfare are the same ones dead set against those people dependent on government assistance receiving higher pay, which would actually wean them OFF of government assistance. So what exactly, then, is the solution that you propose? That the poor get a job? Because guess what, most of them have jobs. They just unfortunately don't pay enough money for them to afford the basic costs of living. So what, then? Should we just forever have food drives and never give them the dignity of being able to pay for food themselves? What, exactly, is your alternative solution? Or I guess the real question is, do you even care about a solution? Do you care about the poor, or would you prefer for them to be out of sight, out of mind? Would you prefer to go on believing that the poor deserve to be poor? That seems to be what most people prefer. After all, what could be more true than the welfare queen who uses her welfare money on TVs and expensive jewelry, who doesn't work even though she's perfectly capable, who is overwhelmingly lazy and the perfect example of someone who deserves to be poor. Never mind that this picture doesn't even remotely represent the majority of welfare recipients.

I won't pretend that I know what the perfect solution to poverty is, but I do know that the best way to find a solution is to stop making assumptions about the poor and start listening to those who are actually in poverty. Listen to their stories, their hardships, their successes. Try to understand the factors that are preventing them from success, and be willing to admit that perhaps sometimes we, the educated, middle-class, and rich are part of the problem. Be willing to serve them in ways that give them dignity, honor, and respect and to be a voice on their behalf when so many others are trying to silence them. This is what Jesus would do. He would not make his allegiance to a certain political or economic doctrine determine how he would treat people, but he would instead seek justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God. Our love for God and for our neighbors should shape our politics, not the other way around. And just as He would act on behalf of the poor, love them, listen to them, and serve them, so should we.

If you were to stop a homeless man on the street or a single mom in the grocery line paying with her SNAP card and ask them "how have Christians helped you?", let us hope that their answer is more than "they gave me a four year-old can of garbanzo beans in a food drive." Because if that's all we're doing for the poor, it's just not enough. We actually live in a country where we can use our voices and our positions to help protect the poor and give them a better life. So by God, let's stop blaming the poor and use what we've been given to give to others.

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. (Philippians 2:3-8 ESV)