The Downhill Ride

You might think that the title of this post is a fancy metaphor about life, but you'd be WRONG. So wrong.  You would be the wrongest that you've ever been in your entire life. In fact, I'm just going to nickname you "Wrongy." So joke's on you, Wrongy!

This post is, believe it or not, incredibly literal, so literal that I am actually talking about biking downhill. Who would have guessed, right? In Colorado, you see, there are LOTS of hills everywhere. Sometimes there's even mountains! So naturally, the Mr. and I like to bike them. The uphill is, as can be expected, the worst...hernia inducing at times. We have to take water breaks every 10 feet, and each segment of 10 feet takes approximately 10 minutes to ride. Also, everything burns. But the downhill...oh the sweet, sweet downhill: the wind in my hair, the thrill, the SPEED. It's indescribable. I love it. It makes the uphill battle absolutely worth it. At least,  it WOULD make it worth it if literally every flipping time I gained speed going downhill someone didn't get in my way and RUIN it. I am not exaggerating here. Literally. EVERY. time.

What kinds of people would do such a horrid thing, you ask? Oh, all kinds of people, and all of them bent on RUINING MY LIFE!

On today's ride, it was a 4 year-old who was perfectly content riding on the opposite side of the sidewalk, until he saw me barreling down the hill at 20+ mph. Then, of course, he decided that it would be his best idea yet in his little 4 year-old life to ride on MY side of the sidewalk DIRECTLY AT ME. You think I'm gonna fall for your "Oh, I'm just a 4 year-old, I had no idea what I was doing" act? Psh. I see right through you, 4 year-old. All you care about is ruining my fun! You're a fun-ruiner and I hope you fall off your bike!

And let's not mention the baby learning to walk in the park, with her two parents on either side of her, in the middle of the sidewalk, at the the bottom of a hill, right where the sidewalks intersect with NOWHERE FOR ME TO GO! The first time I forgave you, baby...because you're cute. The second time this happened, I was suspicious, but you were still pretty cute. The THIRD time? Oh, I knew what you were up to. You're not cute anymore, baby, and I would appreciate it if you would stop trying to kill me!

Oh, but it's not just children that like to ruin my good time, it's adults too! Like the douchebags in bro tanks walking side by side, 4 across, who upon hearing "On your left!" move to THEIR left, right in front of the Mr. (with me right behind), then yell at him for almost hitting them, even though he had already slowed to a crawl and somehow miraculously avoided them. Hey bro, how about next time you NOT cuss out my husband and MOVE OUT OF THE WAY. Next time, I am either running you over or punching you in the face. You can have your pick.

But that isn't the only set of bro-tank douchebags that have ruined our fun. Ohhhh no, because why wouldn't there be more? Especially in Boulder. Ohhhhh Boulder, how I loathe you. You think you're so cool with your pretty mountains and expensive housing, but we all know you're just a bunch of hippy yuppies who like to give reviews online like "The food was okay, but not as good as it is in BOULDER, because in Boulder all our food is GMO free and organic, and our chickens roam free in the mountains and receive excellent benefits and a 401k plan." Ugh, you're the WORST, Boulder! These guys...THESE guys were doing the exact same thing, except they didn't just take up the entire sidewalk, but the GRASS too! Thanks, bros, for forcing me to either run into you head on, go to my right and run you over, go left into an ice cold creek, or come to a sudden, complete stop, thus causing my husband to brake with his dominant left hand behind me and FLIP OVER HIS BIKE. Ugh! You were looking right at us, so don't even pretend like you didn't see us coming, bros. WE MADE EYE CONTACT, AND YOU STILL DIDN'T MOVE. Next time you want to play a game of chicken, you will not win. I will actually speed up just so it will hurt more when I hit you dead on, then follow you around until I catch you smoking pot in public and call the cops on you, because we allllll know you were high. We. all. know it.

So to everyone else in the future who sees me coming on a bike, YOU BETTER MOVE. I'm not stopping ANY MORE. You will not ruin this for me. I don't care if you're an infant in a runaway stroller, I'm not stopping. If you're wounded and bleeding in the middle of the sidewalk, don't get your hopes up for a good Samaritan, cuz this good Christian girl has places to be...like the bottom of this hill! Oh, what's that, there's construction? Well, then, it about to get extreme, because I'm about to go off trail. I am not going through all of the work of biking uphill both ways, for eleventy billion miles, in 250 degree heat only to have you ruin my fun, so just be a decent human being and move, you fun ruiners! Especially you, BABY.

That is all.