My Love/Hate Relationship With Blogging

I love to write, and I love to blog. But over the last year blogging has really begun to ware on me. Not just my blog---after all, I've hardly written on here at all---but just the whole concept of it. I can't help but feel that blogging has become yet another step towards narcissism. I mean, it's already strange enough that I have an entire Facebook page dedicated to myself, complete with over a thousand tagged pictures, far too much personal information, and practically every band, movie, book, and board game I've ever liked listed for all to critique. And now they think I need a life-sized cover photo of myself across the top of the page? How on earth can I take this seriously anymore? (Hence the reason I pasted my face on to the body of a woman in a flowy red dress riding a unicorn.) And now when I turn to the blogging world I see the same sort of thing. Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of far away family and friends being able to see family grow on a blog, and I love all of the great craft, food, fashion, and party ideas, but at the same time it's a little overwhelming. After all, we're only seeing the GOOD things. We're essentially photoshopping our lives for the public eye. All I can think is "Wow, what a cute apartment! Must be nice, cuz in my apartment my trash is currently overflowing, there's a leak in my dining room, my sink is full of dishes, I have leftover food from a month ago in my fridge, and I'm not home enough to actually maintain a clean living environment." We keep seeing everyone else's best and assuming it's their normal, then feel like a failure when we can't seem to find the time to make a wreath out of coffee filters, throw a homemade themed birthday party, find perfectly fitting clothes at a thrift store to photograph ourselves in, and let's not forget those new gourmet recipes we still have to try! And heck, blogs sure make motherhood look like a breeze, too! After all, it's just pretty nurseries, craft projects, photo sessions, cute outfits, and baby smiles, right? Because that's all I'm seeing anymore. As if the unrealistic physical expectations aren't enough for us women, now we all have to be domestic goddesses as well? So you're telling me I need to have a boob job, liposuction, highlights, fake nails, and a truckload of makeup on my face in order to be considered beautiful in this world AND I have to master the arts of wifedom, child-rearing, home decorating, cooking, cleaning, sewing, gardening, wreath-making, basket-weaving, and family photography as well? AND work a full-time job? AND volunteer in the community?

Yeah, no thanks.

As a fellow blogger, let me just go ahead and tell you how incredibly UN-glorious and UN-impressive my life is:

Exhibit A) As mentioned before, my apartment looks like it got hit by a tornado. (Oh wait, it DID get hit by a tornado. But that's another story for another day...)Dirty laundry is scattered across my bedroom floor (the floor is the biggest shelf in the room, I always say), dirty dishes have nearly hidden my kitchen sink from view, and my dining room carpet looks to be growing its own colony of mold due to the recent leak that's taken up residence. Is my decor cute? You betcha! But the rest of it sure ain't!

Exhibit B)As much as I would love to be able to cook gourmet meals and desserts every day like the apparent rest of the blogging world and post recipes and pictures for all to ogle, that ain't gonna happen. How about I post pictures of leftover Thai food instead? Or the salad I just had at Old Chicago? Yes, it's true. I end up eating out a lot. Why? Because a) I get home late b) I'm a terrible cook c) I'm too tired to cook d) It feels pointless to cook for one or e) I don't have food in my apt. to cook with. First world problems, I know. But for me, on a GOOD day, I might make spaghetti. That's gourmet in my life.

Exhibit C)When it comes to me and weight loss, I'm a complete and total failure and I'm a steady size 12. No, I didn't accidentally enter an extra digit in there. I said 12. Why do I fail so often at dieting? Because salads get really old really fast, and as much as I'd like to spend two hours every day running on a treadmill in a gym so that I can look like a Victoria's Secret model who probably spends more time with her finger down her throat than actually exercising, I'd much rather spend my free time doing something other than running in place. So no, you won't be seeing me post pictures of me in my newly acquired cute outfits on this blog, and the day I start making posts dedicated to how cute I look in my new outfits...someone please shoot me.

Exhibit D) Every day I fight feeling like a failure in my ministry. Every. Single. Day. Ministry is utterly exhausting. Not physically (most of the time), but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually it takes a toll and burns you out in a mere matter of months. I don't know how pastors do it. In case no one realized, the church is FULL of sinners, and every week we're dealing with the consequences of that sin and trying so desperately to lead people to Jesus and hang on to the hope we have in him. Most jobs have a sense of closure and you can physically see the fruit of your labor, but in ministry all you're left thinking most of the time is "Is anybody even listening to this?" In ministry (well, all of life...because your life is a ministry), all you can depend on is Jesus, and the second you try to depend on yourself...BAM! Another crisis. So you turn back to Jesus and pray, pray, pray for him to work in their hearts and do all of the things that you have clearly demonstrated you're NOT capable of. Unlike the rest of the world, I can't leave my work at the office. I carry it around with me every single day in my heart and in my constant prayers for God to please save these kids, and help them make wise decisions, and keep them from harm, and help their families, and the list goes on and on and on. Do I love my job? Absolutely. I wouldn't trade it for the world! But it's exhausting and not as pretty and easy as most people think it is.

Exhibit E) I SUCK at staying in touch with friends. Whether they live near or far away, I still suck at it. And it always seems that as soon as I get in touch with one friend there's another friend getting frustrated that I'm NOT in touch with them. I got so exhausted trying to please everyone that I instead opted for the please no one option, which still sucks by the way. Has anyone actually communicated that they're frustrated with my lack of communication with them? Only one out of the many. But I'm pretty sure they're all frustrated with me. I could post happy, smiley pictures of us when we're together, but what you don't see is the months spent apart and the many failures in communication.

Exhibit F) Today I tried on swimsuits at the mall and literally looked like a stuffed sausage. Not only that, it looked like cottage cheese had spilled out of my stuffed sausage body and permanently into my thighs. I ended up buying a one-piece, skirted swimsuit at SEARS. I'm 26 years-old. It does not get much worse than that, people. For any woman...that is the lowest of lows. But instead of curling up with a gallon of ice cream and watching "Cutting Edge" three times in a row, I'm instead going to just declare it my "vintage" swim look and move on with my life. Besides, while the bikini-clad girls are constantly picking wedgies and adjusting their tops, I'll be carelessly flipping into the pool not having to worry about any wardrobe malfunctions...so take that, bikinis!

And there you have it. My completely UNglorious, UNimpressive, and UNblogworthy life. Odds are I won't be sharing any craft ideas on here, unless I just colored a picture from a My Little Pony coloring book and want to brag about how I stayed in the lines this time. You probably won't be seeing very many recipes on here either, unless I share a cupcake recipe I got from someone ELSE's blog. There won't be many pictures of myself, though I may some day decide to do an actual update of my life, in which case the world can observe how fat I've gotten. I might share some home decorating photos, but that will require some intense cleaning sessions...so personally, I wouldn't count on it. So what WILL you see on here? Probably some cat pictures, funny YouTube videos, and lots and lots of Jesus...and let's be honest, I'll probably complain about how messed up this world is, too...which will in turn lead to more Jesus. More than anything, I want this blog to be a place that glorifies God, that speaks the truth in love, that sees the world through God's eyes, encourages others, and points them towards Him. So for all you readers out there (all two of you), I hope this is a blessing to you as I try to write more on here. And to all you women out there in bloggy-blog land, remember that whether you're a size 2 or 20, a domestic failure or domestic goddess...you are loved more than you could ever possibly imagine by the God of this universe. Don't let yourself get caught up in believing that your worth as a woman depends on the way you look or what you do...God Himself has already given you value and confirmed it when He bore the punishment for your sins on the cross. You don't have to prove anything to Him for Him to love you...He already does, always has, and always will...that's more than we can say for any precious blog followers. :-)