"So, How Are The Wedding Plans Going?"

I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've heard this question over the last few months. And I always feel strange answering it because I'm not sure how honest people want me to be about it. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that people are interested enough to ask, but at the same time it gets repetitive when every single person you talk to asks the exact same question. I know people are just being kind and I don't hold it against them, but well, I'm just tired of the question...mostly because there's a lot more going on in my life than just planning a wedding. Back in the first three months of engagement I was your typical giddy engaged girl who was excited to pick out her dress and find her venue and make all of her d.i.y. decorations and now, 7 months later and about 3 1/2 months till the wedding day the giddiness has most certainly worn off. Now when people ask me this question all I want to say is...

They're not going anywhere fast, that's for sure.
No, Martha Stewart Weddings will not be covering my wedding, nor will any wedding blog.
Pinterest is a lie, and I'm deeply disappointed in the false expectations it gave me.
D.I.Y. is not for the faint of heart, nor is it cheaper in the long run.
Getting married, as it turns out, is not a good enough motivation to lose weight for those of us who are stress eaters.
Wedding dress shopping is only magical for those size 8 and below...you know, the ones who actually fit into the sample dresses.
Planning isn't actually as much fun as I imagined.
EVERYTHING having to do with a wedding is expensive and overpriced.
I'm having serious misgivings about my parents pouring thousands of dollars into ONE DAY.
I miss my bridesmaids and wish I could actually see them more than twice before the wedding.
And lastly...I'm tired of being engaged and just wanna marry my best friend already!

Instead of people asking "How are the wedding plans going?" sometimes I wish people would just get straight to the heart and ask "So, how are you doing with the fact that your ENTIRE LIFE is about to change?!?" Because amidst all of the excitement of getting to marry Seth, there's also a plethora of anxiety and even sadness that I wasn't prepared for. Pinterest certainly didn't mention it, nor Glamour magazine, nor the marriage prep books, nor all the older women in my life offering up advice about how to properly plan for and decorate a wedding. I never expected that so much "junk" would come up in what is supposed to be the happiest time of my life. And the thing is, it's hard to talk about because people will assume that I'm unhappy with Seth or that things aren't going well in our relationship and that couldn't be further from the truth. I'm not having "cold feet" nor am I making a mistake. Seth and I are literally a match made in heaven, brought together by God Himself, and the best of friends. We can't wait to marry each other! But the truth is that all this anxiety and sadness have absolutely nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.

I never thought that I would actually mourn my singleness before I was even married. I never thought that, even though I am gaining a husband and an entire family, I would also feel like I am losing my own. I didn't expect to be in an identity crisis before I even take on a new last name, as I will no longer be just a daughter or sister or friend or youth worker, but also a wife. I never realized all the anxieties and doubt that I had buried deep inside of me about being a good wife, about doing a good job of supporting my husband and loving him and cooking and cleaning and planning and working and someday being a mother and the list goes on and on. I never realized how selfish and independent I was until I started having to plan for the fact that nothing will really be "mine" anymore. I will no longer be able to spend money on whatever I want whenever I want, but I'll actually have to discuss it ahead of time and always have someone else to think of. I can never just go out with friends without having to tell anyone where I'm at, nor can I just plan to go off for a weekend and visit some friends in a faraway state. I can never again think only of myself and my plans and my desires and my needs. I'm not even married yet and I'm already dying to self more than I've ever had to before, and I'm not gonna lie, it's incredibly painful.

And yet I'm reminded that this is the call of the Christian---to die to self. To take up your cross and follow Him. God chose marriage as a symbol of His relationship to us, the church, and I'm seeing more and more why He did so. There is no "me" in marriage just as there is no "me" in my relationship with Christ, because life isn't all about me and it was never meant to be. Growing up in a divorced home, I never really got to see this played out. I saw my parents "die to self" in many other ways---particularly as parents---but I didn't get to see it in their marriage and I find myself starting from scratch, walking blindly into a married life that is not only statistically doomed, but that will no doubt be a target for a devil who will do anything to keep me and my spouse from carrying out a marriage that depends on God, seeks Him, and honors Him.

So really, how am I doing in all of this marriage prep business?

Hi, I'm Tiffany Johnson, and I'm teriffied.

On a daily basis, I have to keep reminding myself of God's faithfulness. I have to keep guarding myself against false expectations of engagement and marriage. I have to keep reminding myself that where I fail, there will always be grace. I have to keep reminding myself that my God is bigger than any marriage statistic. I have to keep reminding myself that I am not my parents and that my marriage will not be theirs. I have to keep reminding myself that this is God's plan for my life, and every single bit of it---even the painful process of dying to self---serves a purpose. And I have to keep reminding myself that the man I'm marrying loves Jesus, is full of grace, is kind, compassionate, joyful, easy-going, fun, passionate, intelligent, funny, creative, and has so many wonderful qualities that are a true GIFT to me, and that he will not someday just stop being the wonderful man that he is and stop offering me his love and forgiveness when I need it. I have to keep reminding myself that my identity is in CHRIST, not as a wife or daughter or sister or youth worker or anything else. And I have to keep reminding myself that marriage is more than me getting MY needs met and whether or not I feel loved, but it is more about me loving my husband and seeking to meet HIS needs, and above all glorifying God.

Marriage ain't easy. If it were, there wouldn't be a fifty percent divorce rate. People would never cheat on each other. And an entire generation wouldn't be so afraid of a failed marriage that they don't even bother getting married. So this post isn't just for me to get out all of my frustrations and conflicted feelings, but also to give all these other unmarried girls a big smack on the head and tell them that there's more to marriage than planning a wedding. If your expectations for marriage don't involve anything other than a white dress, an aisle, a honeymoon, and a happily ever after, then it's time you got a big dose of reality. Marriage isn't all about you and your husband isn't just a means to get what you want in life. So please, I beg of you, no matter how "prepared" you think you are for marriage, seek the wisdom of others in preparing for marriage, whether it be through several months of pre-marital and post-marital counseling, through books such as "The Meaning of Marriage" or "When Sinners Say I Do," through hours of endless prayer and Bible study, or through advice from loved ones in your life who can offer up practical and loving advice. I can guarantee you that even though you think you're "prepared," you're not, even in just the engagement stage. Trust me, I'm living proof. ;)

Now, don't get me wrong. There are many joys that come with being engaged. And that is what you read about all the time in magazines and on blogs. That is what you see on T.V. and in movies. Those are the stories you hear from your friends and family as they plan a wedding and get hitched. But there is another side that you don't see---a side that is almost taboo---and if you are engaged and experiencing anxiety, fear, doubt, and sadness, I hope you know that you are not alone and that nothing's wrong with you for feeling the way you feel. It's just part of growing up, of dying to self and being refined by fire. Your whole life is about to change, and because of that it's pretty normal to feel the way you do. So in the meantime, just pray a lot, be honest to yourself about how you're feeling, have conversations about it with your fiancee instead of trying to hide it, identify any lies you're believing, hold fiercely to God's truths, and rely on Him wholly to get you through. I promise He will. :-) And remember, marriage is a beautiful, God-given covenant and will be worth the endeavor even amidst all the trials you will face together. And that fiancee of yours that you love so much---he's definitely worth loving for the rest of your life. I know mine is! :-D